You're Not Your Reflection.

Contradict/Self-righteous/Hard-headed/Dependant/Arrogant

Random musings of a night.

For the past year, I have always been getting worked up, neurotic, paranoid, depressed, *insert negative adjectives (I forget? Are these adjectives? Haha!), and all because I am overtly critical of myself.

Things like these sprout from a singular external source surrounding you.

The mirror is a blessing. How else would one be able to see one's self, physically and metaphorically?

Such a shame that most cannot really see what they should see. The mirrors are broke and the cracks are ignored.

With all my vices, I am glad that I am flawed. I see what my mirror reflects and I am glad.

Pretending that things are not what they are, choosing to see what one wants to see, ignoring the things that one does and the outcomes it creates. How long can one be ignorant to what is really staring back from the mirror?

What if the mirror is so full of lies and one can never look past that reflection? What if one is so sure of one's self, there really is no turning back? There really is no comfort to all those who crossed paths and dealt with one's own perceived reflection?

How is one made to realise of one's actual reflection? Another mirror?
No, the reflection is set in stone. So, how?

Looking harder in any reflective surface, maybe one day one will see what I see. Maybe one day one will realise that indeed one is also flawed and that I and my mirror are gone. That one day was a day too late.

I fail with ignorance and I remain tormented by it. But, as time passes on and as one keeps doing what one does, I am glad I am tormented.

I and my mirror wants to move on.

-conRad-

Looks Like I'm Bored

Feeling bitchier everyday.

Reconnecting with a friend is very comforting especially when the perceived "distance" is wide, you would think that a reconnection would never happen.

My heart is a flutter when something of old was never lost and little things make me realize it was staring right in front of my face all this while.

*...too much candy is gonna rot your soul. Woooah .. Woooah .. Woooah .. Lollipop!

I still think it is ridiculous that Beyonce won all those Grammys and that the Black Eyed Peas were robbed of a few well deserved awards. The Grammys always disappoint me anyway. I never look forward to it and I actually forgot it was on the 1st of February. Not until I saw the tweets did I realise that the Grammys were upon us.

True to the Grammys' nature, as it reaches the half mark it gets dull. *YAWN

I'm just randomly typing whatever is on my mind at the momo. I finished so many things on my to-do list and I am feeling lazy to carry on with my fresh and new list of things to do. I need to stop being so rigid. Me and my lists.

The Singapore trip is losing its appeal. Ugh! Do I buy the tickets even if one friend has yet to confirm and another is away and the longer I wait the price goes up? What to do? What to do?

*On my radar .. on my radar .. got you on my .. got you on my .. radar.

Britney Spears! WoooHooo!

What a scary scary this semester is. All this uncertainty would have killed me ages ago.

Heaven On Earth makes me feel like I need a special someone. Mmmmmmmm!

-conRad-

Jason and The Argonauts

Why is it so hot? Is it just me?

This week has been a tough one. I have so much on my plate, I do not know which I should start with? To add, I had to fall sick and have a crazy-ass fever that comes and goes every 15 minutes.

I hate it when I fall sick. I get so weak and I cannot seem to move an inch. Getting sick just messes up my schedule and now I am way off track.

I hate getting derailed when I am about to reach my destination.

Not one important thing went right this week. I hate to say it but I am very discouraged to carry on with anything. So many times my thoughts have drifted towards just ending my uni life and get on with working.

I will not do that la. I just like thinking about it, to feel like there is always another option. I must say, constant reassurance comforts me in weird ways.

*****

I saw a doctor today. Is it weird that I feel guilty for going to see one?

Last year, when money was tight, seeing any doctor was not an option until self-medication became futile. Now, when things are a little stable, I feel guilty for seeing a doctor because it costs $$$. I have a strange strange mind.

Anyway, I went to see a new doctor today just because. I had the usual flu, fever and cough. Though, my fever came and went every 15 minutes or so. I told the doctor this and he decided to take my blood pressure. First alarm, having to check my blood pressure? That is new. Second alarm, checking my blood pressure again. Third alarm, checking my blood pressure for the third time. What is going on?

I love when someone takes my blood pressure because I like the feeling in my arm. But after three times, my odd-joyous feeling turns to worry.

The doctor said nothing and sent me off. However, I did notice that all my medication are super strong and each one will make anyone who takes it, super sleepy. Must be a little serious this flu thing.

Nice doctor. Must go back to him when I am sick again.

*****

I cannot wait for Singapore. Funny how I am rather excited for Singapore than my birthday.

*cough cough* Bleargh!

-conRad-

The Selfish Side

When I finally get a stable job, I will make it up to Sham whenever we go out.

For the past few months, almost every friend I know has made or will make an important decision in their life, all for the sake of education. The choices they made or make is to satisfy their personal goals. Choices that would make them happy and just a tad more content with life.

How does one contend with that? Selfishly, I rather they not make such decisions.

I like plans, schedules, and things set in stone. The journey through life is not black and white and I begrudgingly know it. Having to react to these decisions frustrates me because I have to be supportive with whatever choice they make. My personal feelings cannot account for anything, it would not be fair. All those plans, schedules, and things set in stone are all gone or intangible-like.

Friends will remain friends. I am and will be supportive with whatever choice they make but I need to set aside my feelings.

I am sad that I hardly meet up with Sonia or hardly have time for our once-very-often phone calls.

I am sad that I will only get one period in every year to hang with Debbi.

I am sad that for now, I communicate with Denise through Skype and Twitter only.

I will be sad when Wee Nee leaves for Australia.

And I will be sad if Aaron switches majors.

But I am glad, so very glad, that these friends have made or will make tough choices that will benefit their futures and satisfy their goals. It is best for them. How can I wish otherwise?

Through the years, I placed so much importance on friends. Every single one of them. Now, when they start pursuing different things, I am like a parent who cannot let go.

I find it quite annoying that I keep having to learn such things. All these life lessons are unquestionably irritating. Especially when one has thought that there could possibly be no more life lessons that would affect me on such a scale.

Somebody needs to come up with a pill that puts a stopper to being over emotional too.

Maturity sucks.

-conRad-

You Felt The Same Too?

OK, so I jump the gun a lot. Sue me.

I have been feeling like the world's most shitacious president. All it took was a call from a board member bearing not-so-disastrous news to set me down a spiral of self pity and disappointment. Sorry la my confidence is like a pyramid of cards.

I talked it over with a person or two and I realised that at some point everyone feels like how I did. It only starts to matter when one harps on it too much. Like me!

I have pretty much done what I can and I still try to make things right until my time is up. Shitacious or not, I tried my hardest.

This is me convincing myself that I am NOT the WORST PRESIDENT ever.

Wee Nee threatened to slap me if I did not snap out of my negative reverie. To put it mildly, I saw my association going down in a fiery pit of doom. Good to know my imagination still has not left me.

*****

On a personal yet disgusted note, I wish someone would cool on the coming-on to me game.

Please lah.

It is getting quite disturbing since all I feel is pure revulsion.

My face does not say it all ke?

*****

*I just slammed a person but decided I am above it. I took it off but I loved everything I had to say about said person*

Good to know I am still an evil bitch whenever I will it.

-conRad-

Fix Broken Glass

Random thoughts fluttering around in my mind.

Long ago, I made up my mind that my friends would be my family. Whatever I needed from my family, my friends gave better. I was hooked, attached in gratitude.

Then last year happened.

Friends and family mirrored one another. It felt like a nightmare, one I never knew could exist.

My belief was shattered.

How do you fix broken glass?

I think some of the pieces are missing, my patience and understanding, my empathy, my common sense. And I gained a few new traits instead, pieces I never knew I had like irritation, impatience, and selfishness.

Adjusting is becoming very tiresome. Can I just skip this whole part and be me once again? You know, all pieced together, not a care in the world and not like I am so fragile, the slightest move and I would crack.

Sometimes, thinking of the easier way out feels comforting. You just lie to yourself to keep moving on. To keep chugging along these tracks of life.

I wonder if this is all part of an elaborate joke concocted by this Divine Being I believe in so wholeheartedly.

Maybe one day He will say, "Haha! Fooled ya! Now, this is what it is really like .."

Tricky thing this imagination.

What am I even typing about?

-conRad-

Why So Insane?

I feel like I should blog even though I have nothing of significance to impart.

My first draft of this post was of me being neurotic but then I realized that typing up a storm on it would just feed my odd disposition.

In all honesty, I think I have changed so much, identifying that person in the mirror staring back at me seems to be a not-so-funny joke.

Over the years, coming to terms with many things in my personal life changed my perceptions on things that I thought were very black and white.

As much as I rather work for a living, I would still like to go back to those horrid high school years and revel in the comfort of having friends around me almost 24/7.

I think I need a distraction to govern my life. Something that allows me to not always take life too seriously. To not be tense. To not depend so much on friends. To not hold on to them and never let go.

To take that chill pill everyone talks about.

Why is it that whenever I am by myself I feel like I am losing a friend? Clingy much?

Odd disposition fed. FML.

-conRad-