Black Tango

Branding Thy Self

2012-01-24T20:53:00.005+08:00

Many have opinions about everything I do.

I wanted to leave/make a mark before I turned 25. I will be a quarter of a decade old with nothing much to show for it.

Well, in my opinion, nothing much to show.

People tell me that I am crazy because I have managed to do quite a lot of significant things before I turn 25 but it does not ring the same bell with me.

My bell is less rustic and lacks character, it is much more superficial and showy I think. So, my most recent superficial and showy thing I did was this:

Behold my name. It is awesome.

Behold the silvery needle that carves my name. It causes pain.

Behold the unfinished product. It spells awesome.

Behold the thing I may regret when I turn 40. It is done.

I have always wanted a tattoo and the only design I could think off and will never be a regret would be a tattoo of my name.

I love my name. It is like no other.

I especially take pride in my name. I do not really know why, I just do.

So, I had my name carved and inked on my skin for all eternity.

The font is 'Bonzai' and it makes the design look a little Chinese inspired. That is why I chose it, I love all things Chinese. I am not Indian. I kinda sorta kid. I have a green vine with nine leaves running through my name. At first, I only wanted the vine because I love vines, it matched the 'Bonzai' font, is the only thing I am able to draw quite well, and makes the tattoo pretty and less boring. I did not mean to have the nine leaves represent anything until Sonia pointed out that it could represent her because she was born on the 9th.

Yay! All my favorite things in one tattoo.

I am quite lucky the leaves were nine in total... Phew!

Now I have a tattoo. No one special in my life but a tattoo. There goes my chances even more now.

-conRad-

Come What May

2012-01-24T20:39:00.004+08:00

Been a long time since I have made an effort.

I must have picked the right role models which in turn may just be the wrong people to emulate as well.

After five long months of working, my expectations have evolved into something palatable.

Palatable.

I was devastated during the first two months to say the least. Quitting was not far from my mind. Tying a noose above my desk was a frequent thought of comfort even.

As two months of mental conflict and constant urges to flee in manic distress passed, I have come to swallow my pill rather willingly. The job is what it is. I take it as it is. I grow as I can.

Now I want something more.

Here begins another round of panic stricken days ahead.

-conRad-

The One Who Walked Ahead

2011-09-01T17:33:00.003+08:00

What a welcome these 3 days have been. Wished that the holidays were extended to Friday.

I'll live though.

3 weeks will come to pass since I have started working permanently. I would be selling it short if I said that this is my dream job. I think it's way past that. But.

There's always a but.

But, the weeks have had its up and downs. Things that I never expected really. I guess I did overlook a few things that normally don't go down the same as it did 2 years back.

It feels very much different when I first ended my 1st year and started out as an intern. It was tough. It is tough. I forgot that adaptation is always needed. This is where my inexperience rears its ugly head.

The 1st week felt like I was an intern. Slowly picking up on things that I've forgotten. Relearning the dos and don'ts. Pretty normal right to make mistakes and relearn things I used to do for about 2 months, 2 years ago?

Sometimes I wish people understand that it was awhile back and people take time to pick up on things. Performing optimally is a gradual process, not a switch you flip on automatically. A little understanding is all it takes.

There's this pressure riding on my shoulders every time I step into the office. My past built a reputation of reliability and now I have to live up to it. Living up to it is the worst part. You're reminded of how good you were when something unpleasant happens. That's what the 1st week felt. The 2nd week was spent trying to erase what happened in the 1st week. Thank God for the 3rd week, Raya!

2 years apparently is a very long time. I sensed a change. It lingers.

Then there are my friends and classmates who still are interning and taking time off to travel here and there before breaking into the working world. I can't do that. I have 0 in my bank account and this job is a blessing. Wanting what you cannot have is an inconvenient feeling. It makes you ungrateful of what you are already blessed with. Seeing my friends enjoying what's left of their last pieces of University life just sends a thick shot of cold jealousy through me. Immaturity at its best.

My woes are a little premature of course. I just started and I worry too much. The challenges seem rather trivial and just needs time to work on.

Nothing has been this clear to me. This is what I should be doing and I'm good at it. It took me typing this whole post to see that I needed to swallow my pill and grow up a little more.

Even walking ahead before others has its benefits.

-conRad-

That Britney Post Again!

2011-07-11T23:42:00.003+08:00

Besides the I'm a Slave 4U, Me Against The Music, and Stronger music videos being my top fav Britney videos, Till The World Ends ranks top 3 in my list cos' I suppose it does remind me a lot of the I'm a Slave 4U vid...

And just cos' this vid was funny to me. Love the beginning.

Femme Fatale is quite awesome...

-conRad-

Bathroom Bubbles

2011-07-11T22:35:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I have non-peaceful showers.

I am at a point in my life where I feel a little lost even though I am not really lost to begin with.

There is a part of me that wishes I took part in the Bersih 2.0 rally. Reading materials and seeing pictures of the rally is very inspiring and it does make me realise that I should have been a little more vocal about my rights. I suppose I take a very cynical view on things like these but post-Bersih managed to at least instill in me a desire to invoke my right for many things I chose to ignore before. The best I can make up for it is to vote on the day that matters.

I hate this semester.

That may have been exaggerated.

I see why most final-year students dread the final semester. It is not like I am not enjoying myself, it has been the most fun I have ever had in any semester but the lack of a jam-packed schedule leaves me with a lot of free time. Well, I did fill the time with many different Student Council tasks but all that work has been put on hold indefinitely. Thus, I am with more time on my hands again. There is just something about having free time and ignoring your assignments till the very last minute. I cannot put my finger on it but I seem to have no drive other than to will this semester to end NOW. This is quite unlike me to ignore my work and hand in half-past-six assignments. I could have found other work to do but I decided that maybe I should just let one semester be more about me having more time to myself even if the nothingness kills me!

Working at Text100 has got me worried. There are a few new faces and assimilating into the family is a little daunting. It does feel very much like the first day I interned there when everything was new and I was new at everything. Then there are these thoughts of me screwing up all my work and being asked to perform better or else... Maybe I am pressuring myself a little too much? I just want to be the best that I can be and then better myself hence, I freak myself out. I cannot believe that I am about a month away from starting at Text100 as an Account Executive. I feel very proud typing and saying it out. Hee...

Then there is the Anti-Conrad Facebook Unit. I personally named it that. I think it is quite funny. I mean, I am THAT POPULAR I guess? I have taken on a very Gandhian approach I suppose, not as bitter or as hateful as I thought I would be. I am quite proud of myself really.

What else...? What else...?

Oh! I went out with Debbi, Kiat Hwa, and Tam last week to Ben's General Foodstore at the Bangsar Shopping Village. The food was nothing to shout about. The restaurant specializes in pizzas but the pizzas are bland. It was very disappointing really. Even the atmosphere was not very inviting. Definitely not suitable for a family when those who come in groups of more than 2 gets squished into a corner with unknown people.

...I think those are the current prevailing thoughts in my head. Since I have managed to 'knock em'' out of my head for now, I am sure other useless worries will crop up sooner or later.

I feel like eating some ice cream!

-conRad-

Speaking Up When It Matters

2011-06-24T00:43:00.001+08:00

There is hope for this world.

-conRad-

The Right State

2011-06-20T00:07:00.005+08:00

To be honest, it does so greatly satisfy me that I still bug you that much. Thanks!

Oh, the many mean things I want to say right now!

But, like I said before, "You're all in my past. Let it stay there. I regret nothing and love every time there's something to be said about me."

Keep up the good work.

It must really irritate you that apart from being extremely smarter than all of you, not only in academics, co-curriculum, and life in general but, I am also extremely popular and my name appears or is mentioned almost all the time.

I assure you that it doesn't end here.

Just so you know, it is AWESOME to be me.

Must be really sad and pathetic to be you, huh?

-conRad-

Extraordinary

2011-06-03T00:28:00.001+08:00

-conRad-

Not My Stretch of Cloth

2011-05-28T23:51:00.004+08:00

I'm blogging for the sake of it, poor site has been void of my thoughts and laments.

The current annoyance is the fact that I have to campaign amongst the committee of the Ball/Prom that the Ball/Prom has to be a black tie event.

I understand that we set a theme and why everyone thinks we need to dress according to the theme but by dressing to the theme, the Ball turns into a Costume/Halloween Party. The theme is for the setting around us NOT our attire.

I also understand that this would be the last event that we, as the committee, would ever be part off and they want to end it by doing something a little wacky, something to be remembered by.

The problem is, we're already known as the wacky bunch. We're already known as the loud, boisterous, and unimaginably obnoxious bunch of students (some, not all) that may have just ever existed. We're already remembered for we're the team that pulled off so many miracles and brought life back to the University. So, why? Why do we need to keep wanting to top each event we did?

What we haven't done is a black tie event. I see our Ball as an opportunity to be our very best, polished and refined, something that we are very capable of. We can just as equally go out with a bang by throwing a sophisticated soirée.

The most common argument I get against the black tie event is that we have a theme and we should follow it. I am growing tired at the fact that we're calling it a BALL. Have you ever seen a Luau Ball (not actual theme)? We might as well change the concept since everyone is on-board with the costume idea then.

A drawback would also be to find/make a costume. Our theme will give many self conscious students a reason not to come. I'm already feeling like I'd rather not attend and I'm in the committee! I don't want to look like a clown on the day of the Ball. The black tie stipulation allows everyone to look their best without prejudice and eliminates the chance of severely mucking up the theme. Black tie attire suits any theme for a Ball because, well, it is a BALL.

The most annoying point against it being black tie is that when we're working, we'll have plenty of opportunity to dress as such. Excuse me, the point of looking refined and elegant is for us, the students, to see us at our best. I didn't know when we're working and attending company dinners our friends from University would follow?

We already did a Halloween party. We already had a Masquerade party. We have had camps and trips. We have already seen one another in various attires, all EXCEPT something to do with a black tie event!

I'm desperately trying to be supportive and I even came up with a middle ground. However, after having already attended my first disastrous Prom, I have a preconceived idea that this Ball may just be like my previous Prom.

Boo!

-conRad-

You

2011-04-12T16:23:00.003+08:00

In case you didn't know or haven't seen one.

-conRad-

Erm... HAHAHA!

2011-02-21T18:24:00.001+08:00

TeeHee!

-conRad-

It Has Arrived

2011-02-18T13:05:00.002+08:00

Finally the HIAM Britney video is out.

I wasn't too happy with the teasers but the final product wasn't disappointing at all. Just wished dear Britney could've danced more but I do understand that she's worried about her knee injury. Two operations, immense pain, and two sons to look after doesn't seem worth the risk.

Oh well, the album is going to be awesome!

It's Britney Bitch!

-conRad-

Ushering In That Rabbit

2011-02-09T02:09:00.005+08:00

Was feeling quite sick moments ago so I decided to blog to take my mind off how queasy I feel...

Chinese New Year (CNY) definitely wasn't the same this year. The first two days saw no semblance of any celebration whatsoever. It didn't help that my area here was like a ghost town and my parents went to Malacca. I couldn't tag along with the family as I had an assignment to do. I can guarantee I would have happily pestered my Chinese aunts and uncles over there for 'ang paus' and totally forgotten I had an assignment waiting for me.

I thought the holidays would go downhill from there. It didn't though. I conveniently forget that the surprise of CNY always reveals itself to me much later.

I just miss making the usually rounds of visiting family friends. Lesser red packets OK!

Personally, I believe my year always starts on CNY. I don't know why? I just do. I really am a little too Chinese for my own good I suppose.

Bye bye tiger.

Hello rabbit.

This CNY is my year! Well, in more ways than one at least... And I'm going to be the most fiery rabbit I can be!

Totally random, but did you know that those who were born between the CNY of 1987 and before the CNY of 1988 are fire rabbits? Sounds very cool to me. My brother is an earth rabbit (he was born in 1999).

What better way to begin my celebration for the occasion than to 'bai nian' with my fellow rabbits? I have all kinds of reunions during the CNY. I'm actually very blessed.

As far as I know, I still have loads of plans for CNY. All this celebrating and experiencing CNY with new friends makes me believe even more that things really do happen for a reason. One door closes another opens.

I finally learned to gamble and I'm not bad at it. Blackjack or 'chor dai dee' anyone? My presence is quite 'ong' for some of my friends. Start buttering me up if you wanna win big.

The year of the rabbit has begun and I have many personal plans for it. As much as I try to explain everything that happened in the past year it will not change how last year turned out. I won't make excuses. It happened. Screw that.

It's a new year. Not a clean slate. But a new year nonetheless. I'm hoping and willing for the best.

Hope is my gift and my curse. I shall bear with it.

Sometimes, I think I love celebrating CNY more than Christmas.

-conRad-

Talking To Myself

2011-02-01T18:58:00.004+08:00

It's somewhat true that when you neglect your blog it either means that you're happy or busy. Nothing should be taken literally though. Grey areas do exist ...just saying.

Anyway, staying true to the current saying that partially inspires this post, I'm actually quite bored, couldn't find anything interesting to do other than my assignment and with that I am successfully ignoring it, caught up on two movies and a TV series thus far, and am fully embodying the lazy song.

The other reason that serves as inspiration to randomly blog is so that I can ignore my conscience telling me to start working on my blasted assignment. I feel like I can finish it in a day so, I'm spreading the work as much as I can.

At least I 'think' I can finish it in a day... =/

"Today I don't feel like doing anything. I just wanna lay in my bed."

-conRad-

The Act Of Reuniting

2011-01-31T01:36:00.004+08:00

Reunions (the friends of old) are a breath of fresh air especially when you've been journeying through life and discovering that not all relationships are the best kind.

People get labelled all sorts of things when they were young, there are the doctors, lawyers, those that will bask in money and glory, floaters, drifters, the homeless,...etc.

It's fun and very interesting to see how some grow within that mold and those who break out of it.

Reunions help us see the growth in others, even more so when it has been 12 long years spent apart.

I suppose it's very fitting that my reunions always happen during the Chinese New Year period. A time when all gather just for a special day to enjoy one another's company.

Very fitting.

Lately, I've been revisiting old friendships and it has been quite pleasant to know that those friendships never really ended with time. It was just on hold as we picked our paths and met at crossroads.

I only hope that new friendships can stand the test of time just as well as the old one's did.

Friends may come and friends may go but I've long believed that friends are family, extended of course.

...Well, most of my friends anyway. Heheh!

-conRad-

Keeper For None

2011-01-22T00:26:00.004+08:00

I knew watching My Sister's Keeper would do me in. =D

I believe that when people cry whilst watching a movie it's because sometimes, just sometimes, whatever they were watching was a glimpse into their lives. A small reel of life to identify with.

Watching the My Sister's Keeper's main character's siblings made me feel how they felt. Alone. I identified with that. That being in a family where no one sees, hears, understands, or bothers about you. But before you go, "there he goes again" and roll your eyes, I hope you know that all of that is something that doesn't bother me much now. I'm just saying that's what I identified with whilst watching the movie.

All I have to say is, even if you do feel alone (anywhere or with anyone), stand strong through it. The loneliness, the constant silence, the feeling of not being heard will be deafening.

But HEY! I made it.

You just got to know that you're never really alone despite the fact that you may not name someone who can help you through it. There will always be someone out there ready to see you for who you are, to hear you for what you have to say, to understand what you're all about, to bother, to care, to touch, to feel, to anything about you.

You just have to believe.

My family still does these things that most of the time irritates me but I've come to ignore it. They do what they want and I'll do what I want. Not bothering has actually relieved most of the tension between my parents and I.

I still feel like I'm a keeper for my family and I probably am, but I choose to believe that despite it, I'm going to walk freely, unshackled.

Honestly, I don't like being made to feel alone. It took me ages to ignore the fact that my parents did it and still do it all the time. So, when I am made to feel that way again, I cut whatever contributed to it like a gangrened arm.

I felt it before, I don't need reminders.

Just know that they're always better things waiting ahead and stuff like this doesn't hold anyone down. It shouldn't. You shouldn't let it.

-conRad-

"What big eyes you have"

2011-01-21T18:44:00.001+08:00

Still waiting for this to cross our shores. Hurry up bitches!

-conRad-

Meatballs

2011-01-17T01:05:00.002+08:00

Finally! Something to post about.

Ever since the semester started I've been feeling demotivated with my studies. Long are the times when I used to get over excited when given an assignment that requires the use of both critical and creative thinking.

Now I just go, "meh!"

Stephanie and I got around to this "problem" sometime during our latest "lepak" session and she helped narrow it down to the root of it all. I guess it's more work rather than enjoying what I'm learning? All the fun got sucked right out.

I still enjoy and am happy at the fact that I'm doing what I've always wanted and known I should do. But ever since my family has been facing financial difficulties, worsened since December 2009, EVERYTHING I DO feels like work.

How so?

Well, now I strive to maintain my CGPA so that my PTPTN loan turns into a UCSI Uni scholarship.

I have to make sure everything I earn is put to extremely good use (new clothes/certain food/books/ ... etc. are all unnecessary items).

I've planned my future in such a way so that I can help ease the difficulties and end the burden my parents share.

So, my current CGPA is balancing on a fine line between free education or money woes for years to come.

Whatever I have is given in the hope of helping the family survive for as long as we can.

My future is extremely daunting and all my personal plans are severely fucked.

I'm 24 and I already feel like my life is like a routine. How does one break out of this monotony?

I know I can't change where I'm at right now and I'm trying to make the best of it but somehow my drive for my studies fell through the cracks. I've made my peace with the present and I'm just moving forward as best as I know how, which is saying something because I've been such a downer the past year.

No more of that!

The question that remains though is; Now that I know what the problem is, how do I fix it?

I guess more "lepak" sessions and talk of werepires could do the trick!?
...It worked before.

-conRad-

The Game of Life

2011-01-02T01:47:00.002+08:00

Would it be creepy if I went to sleep with a grin on my face?

Still feeling a little 'high' (now I know that Irish coffee and Shisha don't mix well) after the night's latest "lepak" session with friends that know you through and through.

Maybe next time we should read the rules (instead of making up our own) when playing LIFE. The constant arguing was fun though...

Twas' a great day to begin the year, nuff' said.

-conRad-

The Heavens Poured

2010-12-22T16:51:00.002+08:00

I more than just like the rain. I can stand and stare out the window for hours just watching the rain. Watching the drops of water heavily fall from the sky, forming bigger droplets just before they smack the ground, merging into a flow of water and carry away every doubt or ill feeling I have. I love the rain.

The cool damp air surrounds me like a pair of arms pulling me into a tight embrace. That’s how I feel every time I watch the rain, every time I feel the ‘wetness’. Many hardly ever find comfort in the rain. But I do.

It’s like when I cry and all that emotion just washes away. That’s what the rain does. It washes me. Cleanses me off of silly emotions.

I stood there, in my kitchen that is, with a mug of hot tea in my hands. My palms warming as the heat slowly passes from drink to mug. The warmth of the mug mixes with the cool of the air. I love that feeling where a small object emits heat in a place so cold, so damp. Like a ray of light engulfed in darkness. My danishes were in the oven, one a savoury, the other filled with apple and cinnamon sauce. The smell wafts the air. My battered olfactory welcomes the sweet smell. My senses come alive with so many good things travelling through the kitchen atmosphere.

This must be Christmas. A wet one.

The pouring of rain by the heavens allows me to notice the small insignificant things (not that I don’t notice it at all). Art, that of God’s great work and man’s own mistakes, taken for granted. I didn’t realise the mango tree in my garden had shed its leaves. So many shades of green now desperately try to fill the skies. I watch the branches and for the first time I notice they snake around one another, they compete to touch the sky. The fruit, hang precariously over the main road, threatening to bump the cars, trucks, or motorcycles that zoom past. These vehicles are in a hurry. I am not.

I watch the rain…

…And silently tell myself to forget the snow and to forget the heat, the place I move to must always rain.

-conRad-

Rejoice!

2010-12-19T00:01:00.005+08:00

Had to delete the last post. Editing it just wasn't the same anymore.

Watched this cool video...

-conRad-

"Little Red Cape"

2010-11-21T18:30:00.001+08:00

Modern interpretations always strike my fancy.

Doesn't hurt to have a lot of eye candy too.

-conRad-

"Right... Perspective!"

2010-11-21T02:27:00.003+08:00

Songs by Katy Perry have been running in my head for the past week! I feel like I'm cheating on Britney...

TeeHee!

It feels like I am relearning to trust my instinct. As the period for course selection came, I went back and forth on which subjects to choose, taking everything into account before I made a decision.

At first, as countless times before, I decided to stray away from instinct. However, a little prayer always helps; which made me revert to my plan that I mapped out about three years back.

I love plans.

Interning at Red Communications proved to be a wise choice. I now positively know that Public Relations is more of my thing.

Haha.

It's not like I can't stand the long hours, having irritable seniors, staring at the laptop for long periods of time, translating scripts (Boring but very satisfying once it is used for production), running from end to end, climbing over props to get to other props (I love doing this!), thinking on your feet, and stuff like that. I just don't like the fact that no matter how much something is scheduled, it still isn't very much scheduled.

Improvisation is cool but highly irritating when you constantly have to do it. And I mean CONSTANTLY. Still, handling that isn't much of a problem, it does come with the territory after all.

I guess, as compared to PR, I ultimately feel that whatever I do is much less gratifying. My heart literally did a somersault when a colleague said she'd ask my supervisor to get me to work on an event. That is something I'm sure I'll find quite satisfying.

I hope my supervisor agrees.

Nevertheless, after getting through it all I still do have some joy in knowing that I helped complete a certain production (In fact, bolstered when I was credited for it).

*smiles*

Regretfully, I did misjudge my supervisor. I think she is quite awesome now. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have learned anything (At one point, I think my brain was quite saturated with knowledge. Information overload.).

In the office, there are those worth knowing and then there are those worth a stab in their eye with a pair of scissors. To the latter, I'll just blow off steam through Twitter.

I like my hair cut but my mum doesn't.

Boo!

-conRad-

And If It Takes Forever, Forever It'll Be.

2010-11-14T15:33:00.002+08:00

Another OK Go video. They get better every time.

Last Leaf

OK Go | Myspace Music Videos

I'll blog when I have more time. Haven't had much to say ever since...

To be honest, mood isn't really there anymore.

Hopefully it comes back.

-conRad-

I'll Never Watch A Movie

2010-10-23T02:46:00.005+08:00

*Whoa! I haven't been blogging for some time and Blogger had gone and changed its welcome page. Not very nice though.

*I have so many things to rant about but I'm not sure how to word it yet. Oh you know, some people love taking offence in stuff I have to say. I dare say it has become a hobby for some.

*I'll never be able to catch a movie because every time I plan to go see something the plans change 5 minutes later.

Thursday, my last day of the semester, turned out to be a pretty awesome day. Never have I explored KLCC that much or that long. My legs felt like breaking off.

Jane was great company.

Met Cherish too. Jane and I had fun catching up with her. I found somebody who agrees with me on a few things. Haha! The world is small, smaller for those in the Mass Communication line. Three degrees of separation at its best I suppose.

Jane's boyfriend, Jae Sean, and Simon were at KLCC too. They were working for Maxis' iPhone 4 promotion. How come I always almost get an iPhone? I get so close to getting one and it's either I turn down the offer or someone gets in the way. Not that I want one anyway. I don't want something everybody has or wants.

I'm a Nokia fanboy! I currently love the Nokia X5-01. It's so dorky looking, small and almost everyone I know jeers at it which makes me want to get it even more. The X5 has all the same features as my previous cellphone, Nokia N81, with added functions. It fits me perfectly. Now I'm torn, do I get the pink, purple or azure blue? I'm thinking purple but Sonia insists on the pink. Why am I hardly surprised that she would want me to get the pink X5?

I wish I hadn't looked for an interning opportunity but I can't stay still and waste the months away. I just can't. My arse would itch too much. I said hundreds of times that I wouldn't join the UCSI Student Council but not doing anything after classes made me feel like I flatlined. I really do enjoy being busy all the time.

I think it's a disease. XD

Here's to a few weeks of hard labour. Whee!

-conRad-

Just A Lil' Britney Love

2010-10-08T20:42:00.004+08:00

Not that you don't know that I'm a big, big, big, HUGE! fan of Britney Spears.

'Stronger' is and will always be my favourite song by Britney. It's not like I don't like the other songs but this song gets me through certain days a lot better. Plus, the music video is amazing.

And I love Glee's version too. In my opinion, the best Britney cover of the lot.

-conRad-

"Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead..."

2010-10-08T14:37:00.002+08:00

I was researching on 'The Wizard of Oz' for an assignment and I found out that the movie stood for a bunch of things that none could have ever guessed.

I chanced upon these videos and thought it was funny so;

-conRad-

Love The Name

2010-09-25T00:40:00.004+08:00

I always look forward for their music videos. Creativity never ceases with them and to think it all begun with them jumping on a few treadmills.

-conRad-

Been Too Long

2010-09-14T01:15:00.008+08:00

After wanting to put up this video I came across on Youtube, I realised that it has been a very long time since I've shared anything that has made me smile or kept me happy.

Here's to the end of that.

Took me awhile to put this up. I never realised that the column for posts is too narrow.

-conRad-

After The 2.5

2010-09-14T00:25:00.005+08:00

It doesn't seem so bad now does it?

This always happens. I always lose interest in blogging after finding the time to blog. I can have tons of ideas and topics, but it all disappears the moment I stare at a blank page.

I would normally blame my bad memory but come to think of it, I don't think it's my memory at all.

Like all the things I have always wanted to do and never done any of it in that present frame of time; I've finally signed up for a charity run, Stamford College's 60th Anniversary: Running for a Cause.

What have I done?

At least there will be friends? And that they could drag me the next 7.5 kilometres after I have collapsed.

I don't even have the proper attire, especially the proper shoes.

Let's do a count of how this is going to be a disaster:

1. I haven't done any strenuous activity for months.
2. It is a 10 kilometre run and I might die after the first 2.5 kilometres
3. I don't have the proper attire and my feet might fall off.

Sigh. I guess I'm doing this for charity sake, fulfilling something on my to-do list, and the fun I'll have with friends. And the looks I'll get in the attire I've already chosen to wear.

Someday I'll look back at this and laugh?

Or I might just like it and go for more. You'll never know?

Pray for me won't you? XOXO.

TeeHee!

-conRad-

Words, Hurt, And All That

2010-08-20T21:06:00.003+08:00

Despite everything that has happened I expected better too.

I don't care how anyone perceives this anymore. I just want it to end because I was done with most of them a long time ago.

It was words uttered sometime back that proved to be the last straw for me. The way it was said and the weight it carried cut me deep. A bridge was burned. And YES! I got angry.

People say that when you hide your anger and always overlook things, and when it finally becomes too much, you have no right to show it. It is wrong for you to be angry. You are not allowed to be angry because you never were before.

It was my fault from the beginning. I shouldn't have tried to fix things, I shouldn't have always said sorry, and I shouldn't have fed them the words which are now so commonly used to describe me; paranoid, petty, etc.

The best part of all this, I thought it ended sometime back. Now I keep hearing that I said this and I said that about everyone. The only time I ever said anything were to mutual friends of the same company. It was to let off steam and see the bigger picture. That was how I tried to solve anything that pops up. That is was my way.

Talking seemed to have done nothing.

If I really needed to go around backstabbing people, I would have used much juicier bits of information that each have told me before. Why would I want to use petty little differences to build a campaign against people?

Gossip 101 - A bag of potatoes over a pot of gold. Which one do you think I would have used?

I didn't even need to build a campaign even if I wanted to, there was one already set up from the start. All I could have done was supply more information to fuel the fire.

They don't even know how many have told me about each and EVERY one of them having said something negative about me too. Have I ever gotten angry about all that? I never even brought it up. I took everything in with a pinch of salt.

The best part is, not one came and asked me if it was true. I did get a few questions, assignment season had already begun you see.

Damn right I expected better off from certain people! They actually think I went around purposely shooting my mouth off? But then again, they have never actually believed in what I ever had to say. I always had to prove it in order for them to believe it. Ever heard of taking a 'leap of faith'? I did it with all of you. Same courtesy? No? Fine then.

After all this time, they still have no idea who I am.

At this point, having a bitter heart seems perfectly acceptable. Half the world probably has a bitter heart. Not everyone can let go of things so easily. Not everyone deals with problems the same way. I ~~care~~ cared.

All the bitter hearts of the world can take comfort. I am one of you and proudly so.

-conRad-

"Don't entertain any unhappiness"

2010-08-13T02:08:00.003+08:00

You have no idea of its meaning.

Like I told Clair, "... just spat on."

I know that Sonia was being cruel to be kind.

She forced me to see the actual situation and despite my constant denials, reiterate that it will never be what I want or expect it to be. From the start, it never was like how I pictured it. All it was was a convenience. A convenience that lead to total disregard. A convenience that even some so close are fully aware of it but ignore just to give something they don't have a meaning.

I give more than enough benefits of a doubt. I still feel and hope that I was right, that what many warned was wrong. Their case gets stronger and mine falters apart. Mine was feeble to begin with.

Sonia was right, she saw everything from the outside but Clair summed it up perfectly, "... put you down and took them up, like a kid with a new toy."

An emo post that sprung from a question by a dear friend, "... you've been close for so long ... doesn't miss anything?"

-conRad-

Crunchie

2010-08-09T00:05:00.003+08:00

Coming to terms with things that I have long known.

I cannot stay home for long because I am almost always hungry. I thank my lucky stars that I am fussy eater. I constantly end up walking away from the fridge or the store room with a scowl plastered on my face. No food makes me grumpy.

I spent the weekend in Malacca. Food (at my Grandmother's home) is in abundance here. Armies could be fed.

The only thing I hate about going to Malacca is having to come back from it. Life seems a little simpler and less hectic. Most of the time, I'd rather give Malacca a miss because it gets harder to leave.

Crunchie bars can take my mind off such things.

These stupid chocolate covered honeycomb bars are my new addiction which is bad for a whole lot of reasons. But I cannot resist grabbing one when I see it. I used to hate this chocolate bar so much but now I must have one? Cadbury is evil.

I am so obsessed, I did some research on it. Big mistake. Now all I can think about is getting me some Crunchie ice-cream, cakes, tarts, anything made out of Crunchie bars!

Great. My stomach growls.

I want a Crunchie now.

-conRad-

They

2010-08-02T22:22:00.006+08:00

It doesn't count as a conversation.

Not too long ago, late November last year, I blew my top off when all I ever heard from people was when they needed me to do something for them whilst they lived their lives happily. All it took was one phone call to have me almost lose my cool in front of my colleagues.

This time around, they moved up to the 2nd quarter of the year for me to realise that I cannot take this anymore (part of the problem).

As I look back at all forms of communication I have ever received; texts, chat boxes, emails, and so on, 90% has always been about University. Not even about people from University, just mostly what I can do to help in relation to our damn University.

Everything else was left for me to figure out myself. Expecting things like simple notifications when I am away, saving notes, and talking about anything BUT University was left for me to do myself.

As long as everyone else is happy right? Just ignore me, I'm paranoid what.

-conRad-

The One With the Old Friend and a MTV Concert

2010-08-02T17:28:00.005+08:00

I'm not even going to try.

A few days back I won tickets to the MTV World Stage 2010 concert. I gave the extra ticket to Clair and ended up having a good night out that included Des too. Clair loves me more now.

This year's line up had better star power than the last concert but it wasn't good enough for me. Wonder Girls, Tokio Hotel, and Katy Perry performed very well, they all had amazing showmanship. The stage was even decked with various props for each performer, very rare for concerts in Malaysia. Still, I liked last year's World Stage line up more. Maybe it's because I had more to like in last year's lineup?

I met Ali Imran at the Kelana Jaya station whilst waiting for Clair to pick me up for the concert. It had been way too long since we both met and talked. I think we last met in form 3, just before he shifted off. We stood there, in the station, chatting for an hour or so about friends, mutual and non-mutual, University, work, and life in general.

I always liked talking to him.

We first met at a Pembimbing Rakan Sebaya (PRS) inter-primary school camp. He was from a different school and we got along well. I even remember the silly sketch we did together that got the whole camp laughing. I kept our scripts and group work from the camp for a very long time (I threw the papers all away a few years back because it yellowed and nothing could be seen anymore). We didn't see each other from then on until we ended up in the same secondary school, one which we both shifted out off because we hated the place.

Even when we were in the same school we didn't have many chances to talk. I realised that it's only when we leave these institutions that school friends become closer and oddly enough, we sometimes get closer to those we hardly ever spoke to.

Little things serve me as reminders of these people.

-conRad-

Traipsing Through Saigon

2010-06-27T16:18:00.007+08:00

It took me long enough to stop blaming myself and realize that I am not paranoid, that I did not over think, and that I am definitely not crazy.

Been sick since the day I left for Vietnam.

Come on meds. Work!

*****

Thanks for asking.

Ho Chi Minh (Saigon) was so AMAZING!

I even forgot I was sick throughout the whole trip.

The people, the culture, THE FOOD!, THE COFFEE!, the motorcycles, the tunnels, the everything, was awesome.

I suddenly have a craving for the yogurt in plastic. A mere VND 3000 = about RM 0.50.

I keep having flashbacks to when I was there.

On the 3rd day of the trip, Philo asked me what I learned about myself?

At first, I could not answer her but when I reached home, the answer hit me.

I learned that I never really lost certain characteristics that made me, me. The trip dug out all the parts I loved about myself that I thought I had lost.

So glad that Philo and I went through this together.

-conRad-

Pick Me Up, Buttercup

2010-06-25T21:57:00.005+08:00

Since I'm promoting online businesses, this is another one founded by a friend.

Adeline's Pick Me Up, Buttercup.

Sonia, you'll probably love this!

-conRad-

A Memory Scar

2010-06-23T02:10:00.005+08:00

I so identify with the title.

Aaron co-founded an online business; A Memory Scar.

-conRad-

Kan Cheong

2010-06-17T20:01:00.000+08:00

Wasting time.

I am the epitome of "kan cheong"-ness right now.

Excitement mixes with dread and the resulting feeling is neutral. A numbness consumes me before I leave for Vietnam.

I should have no expectations. None!

People disappoint all the time. No expectations!

I can do this. I can. I can forget all that has happened and move on.

Ho Chi Minh tomorrow.

-conRad-

Clearing This Mind...

2010-06-17T19:42:00.010+08:00

1. Late. Just a few minutes was all it would take.

2. Together. Was apart.

3. Levels. It exists.

4. Share. Shared with someone else, left to watch on.

5. Lock. Locked on the other side of that door.

6. Cried. Tears never flowed for such a reason.

7. Number. Odd.

1. Alone. Continued to be alone.

2. Fault. Apparently my own to bear.

3. Sorry. Already am.

4. Know. Should know how it felt.

5. Walk. Walk in my shoes.

6. Walk. Got trampled on.

7. Paranoid. Accused.

..., emptying it before I leave. Forgetting it from this point onwards.

Hopefully.

-conRad-

The Other Side Of The Veil

2010-06-05T14:46:00.004+08:00

Further and further away you get.

Can't seem to coordinate my thoughts.

I don't feel like blogging about it.

I do want to talk about it. Maybe shed a tear or two?

But even speaking the words seem weak and stupid.

And the idiotic thing is, I did talk about it. No tears though, I don't think I'll shed any. It's just not something to cry about.

I'm starting to think that with every good thing happening there will be something equally disastrous around the corner.

I want to stay in my room forever and never come out.

Definitely not the right thing to do, holing myself up in my room, dwelling on the past and all that negativity.

But must I always have to do the right thing? From where I stand, doing the right thing never got me anywhere.

Unless I count the number of times I get hurt in the process.

Nothing was ever constant but sometimes it did feel that way, like friends and music. All that ended quite sometime ago though. Maybe I've finally looked past the veil of naivety?

Being behind the veil was a lot better. People and things didn't disappoint so much.

-conRad-

Watching Colored Notes Fly By

2010-05-26T00:06:00.004+08:00

"Yeah. No. I expect nothing more."

OH MY GOD my spending!

That pretty much sums up my daily/weekly/monthly/yearly expenses.

For someone with very little money to his name and risk going bankrupt every 60 seconds, I spend a lot. It all mostly goes to food. So now, not only am I broke but I am also growing sideways and will probably die of a heart attack. Awesome.

This semester has been the worst. All I do is find an excuse to stay away from home and hang with friends at the nearest mamak/restaurant/cafe. I love chatting the day away but my wallet is taking a huge blow as the days go by.

Budgeting is not really my forte' but I am trying. I did manage to save some money for more than 6 months. Not a single cent was touched. Well, not touched until May came along anyway. That is a record in my books.

I'll be backpacking in Ho Chi Minh city soon as part of my Pop Culture assignment and the budget is tight. Very tight. Already RM500 covers for the ERL transit, return flight tickets, accommodation, and travel insurance. We budgeted RM800 each for the whole trip and that leaves me with RM300 to spend on a 4 day 3 night stay (technically, a 3 day 3 night stay).

The attractions seem expensive and the public transport fares around the city just adds to the ever-rising cost. Each time I think of it, I get light headed.

To add, my group mates want to spend a little more on extra luggage. I myself think it is necessary to do so but each time I look at the cost, I feel faint.

I am such a worry wart.

If only I met a leprechaun who generously gave me his pot of gold. If only.

-conRad-

Leisure Mall Anyone?

2010-05-12T20:31:00.005+08:00

I did not know I was in a relationship with you?

Many consider the township of Cheras as some backwater suburban area of Kuala Lumpur. I still have no idea why the mere mention of Cheras makes almost everyone think that?

Anyway, as I was thinking what if someday someone told me that Cheras Leisure Mall (LM) was to close down and be demolished.

What would I do?

How would I feel?

I would be devastated.

I would probably lead a rally to save it. Or super glue myself to the building. Or live on the roof. Or stand in the way of a bulldozer. Or sit at home and cry my eyes out.

I grew up watching LM transform from Kerry's to Hankyou Jaya (or is it the other way around?) to the LM of today.

Sure it lacks many things a mall like Pavilion or Midvalley Megamall has to offer. But it was the first mall I ever set foot it. The first roller coaster I ever rode on was in LM. The first time I knew what an arcade was, was in LM. My first cell phone was bought in LM. So many firsts.

I like LM the way it is, like some underdog of Kuala Lumpur malls.

May it never become Plaza Phoenix. Amen.

-conRad-

Try Looking Harder

2010-05-04T18:51:00.004+08:00

Sylvia is a blessing.

Decisions.

I make them so much, I am kinda sick of making them now.

All these emails sent asking for my decision on things I promised myself I would avoid are getting annoying. And yet, I agreed to them meaning I once again will not have a quiet year.

I knew this would happen.

I cannot just not do anything in Uni. My arse gets very itchy.

*****

A few days back, I had to attend orientation, a dark reminder that the new semester begins. I do not know what was the point of being there because I did nothing but stand around and stare into space.

Only six clubs or associations made it. Two presidents attended, one of them was me. Seriously ...

The blessing was getting to know certain friends. It was fun talking to these very different people. I could freely speak my mind on things I have always been wanting to share with people. There was comfort in knowing that I still can relate to different people and that somewhere down the line, I can look back and be grateful that I knew them.

*****

Today, I was very offended in what my lecturer had to say.

How dare you hint that I only got my marks not because I worked hard but because my supervisors like me too much? Fuck you.

I am sorry that you feel like you need to try to be a bitch and that you achieved nothing in all your years of living.

Give it up. You will not get anywhere envying your students.

You passed your prime. Time to go dig your own grave and lie in it please.

(I know I shouldn't post this part, it's immature, I should be the bigger person, and that I am no better than him but this jealous fucktard has been hinting for a long time that I don't deserve the things I have achieved. If I don't let it out, I might lose my patience and give him more than just a piece of my mind.)

-conRad-

/wrists

2010-04-29T19:23:00.004+08:00

We kid. Ourselves.

Funny how stress works.

In Uni or at home (depends), I feel like hanging myself or jumping off the highest floor in UCSI.

Anywhere but Uni or at home, I laugh, I sing, I play, I joke, I do everything but actually stress over anything.

Yesterday was not so shitty despite being pick-pocketed. I did everything that was necessary between joking, laughing, and eating.

Everyone who knew about my situation at the time, freaked out. All Sonia and I did was walk on the pathway of insanity whilst humming some annoying tune (probably Justin Bieber's song, Baby).

Today was no different from yesterday. Everything that could possibly go wrong, did. Yet (ignoring my bitchy tweets), I do not feel like the weight of the world is/was on my shoulders.

I think I should home school myself.

*****

Caught up with an old and a new friend today.

Spending a few hours with them was comforting.

Can I follow you guys back to Penang today?

*****

Orientation gets more ridiculous as the semesters pass by.

How hard is it to understand that some plans worked and others did not?Just combine what worked and perfect that. Changing the whole schedule gets everyone nowhere.

Seriously.

-conRad-

How Do You Quantify The Good And The Bad?

2010-04-25T01:06:00.003+08:00

I've run out of emotions when it comes to this particular problem.

Now that the semester is over, I am a little relieved. Just a little.

This semester has left me with a lot of lessons. I can only hope to have learnt from them and never repeat.

Whatever I was in the past few years, I was not during this semester. What other people relied on me for, I relied on another. It was as though my subconscious took over because it was fed up of the way things were.

I can only hope that the next semester allows for me to be the best I can be as a friend and tone down that paranoid side.

I was not myself for the past four months. I felt so different. Change is good. But when change happens so often, how do you quantify the good and the bad?

I am just glad this semester is over. I pulled through. I could have done better though. What ifs and maybes have no place with these thoughts of mine.

If I hurt those who mattered in my life, I am sorry. I really did not mean it.

Thank you for being patient and just being there when the time came.

-conRad-

You Won't Be There When It Ends Will You.

2010-04-14T21:08:00.004+08:00

It may seem like everything is fine but I still am right and it was wrong.

Categories.

People tend to categorize a lot. I categorize a lot.

But what I hate and probably get hurt with is finding out that I have been categorized in a group which I thought I would never be in.

Just another box of tissues waiting to run out.

-conRad-

Guessing Game(s) .. It Took Just One Day

2010-03-29T18:03:00.008+08:00

The thing that I have been wanting to hear for so long finally came to pass.

I know I am no miracle of a president but

...an advisor is supposed to guide a group of people to do what is best for their association or club. An advisor is supposed to support all projects undertaken by the group even if it turns out to be a bust. An advisor is supposed to encourage and maintain the camaraderie within the group. An advisor could do a million billion things for the good of the association or club and its members.

What have you done?

*It took one day from when this post was typed to make me see how childish certain adults can be and how their will to hurt people intensifies just so that they can feel like they have an authority over those people.

*****

Who can fuck with the other more?

Wee Nee and I concluded that everything feels like a game. You win and you lose. But, the prize you lose is so great your sanity goes along with it.

I think we only live to hurt one another.

There are very few that live for the other. I do not mean pleasing the other every second of your life. Just an understanding that exists between the two that blinds all hurt and soothes all pain. There is no room for constant hurt and disappointment. No excuse to hurt the other.

Things are the way they are by no one's fault. The choices were made, the rights and the wrongs moulded the environment. And we live in it, playing on levels we created. Breaking and mending sanity.

Stupidly, I still hope that it is not what it is and I find myself losing the game even faster.

Next time when you think you hear that sound like when you reach a new level or just ended up getting killed, look around, you probably are the game.

*It took one day from when this post was typed to prove my point.

-conRad-

Things Can Be Much Simpler

2010-03-18T17:44:00.006+08:00

I keep typing posts after posts on things that can never change and I end up deleting all of em'. This is how much of time I waste.

There are always spates of posts that dip into the wells of negativity at some point in my life.

Don't you think I've done enough of that?

Certain people just trigger certain emotional outbursts.

I keep holding out for more from people who cannot give more than they already have.

-conRad-

Things Said Cannot Be Undone

2010-03-17T17:51:00.002+08:00

Sometimes the person I am closest to does not believe in the things I say ..

I spoke part of my mind today. Give me more time and nothing will be held back anymore.

-conRad-

Strength

2010-03-17T00:44:00.005+08:00

~~As the work piles on I get emo as the days go by.~~ Everything is fine.

We got mixed reviews for our cover page below.

I have help around me and yet I still get stressed and panicky. OCD at its best.

-conRad-

Help Evaluate This!

2010-03-10T18:49:00.003+08:00

Aaron and I missed our class critic session. I really want to know what people think of this 'front cover'. I am hoping that there are a few good Samaritans out there who would like to share their opinions.

Please and thank you.

Conrad

Twenty Three Candles

2010-02-23T20:06:00.004+08:00

As I blow out these candles, I wish for a life that never contained you.

I can never really quite sum up how I feel about my birthday. I get excited a week before and devise plans up in my head. Then I scrap those plans and look forward to what my friends decide to do. Then I hate my birthday week and and the few days that lead up to the actual date. Then I hate turning whatever age I am supposed to have aged to. Then I deny the age that I have already turned to. Then I go out the week after to celebrate. And I deny my true age for the rest of the year. I'm such a girl.

For the record, I'm turning 21. 21!

-conRad-

More Than Just Ushering In.

2010-02-17T17:37:00.003+08:00

You need to understand that I will only be over you if you are dead. So please go die. kthanksbye.

Chinese New Year 2010 was the best new year I have ever had. Granted that I may not have done my annual visiting to friends' homes but everything was much better than past years have been.

These friends keep reiterating a fact that I have already known for years. It is a comfort to be reminded.

All is better when you are with the right company. It has nothing to do with the celebration or the environment. The best company can make the biggest of shit the best thing there is in life.

I keep realizing this whenever I am out and about, far from where I spent most of my time at.

*****

I usually enjoy posting up a list of things I would like for my birthday but deep down, I just really want to be able to hang with friends for a whole day or two.

I would rather walk around KL, restaurant hopping, and run around in parks with lots of photo taking. I want to climb on walls and jump off them, dip my toes in a pool, read a book in a tree, lie on the grass whilst The Kills or Metric Station blast in my ears, sit on a roof and stare at the stars, drive up and down Ipoh or Malacca just for the heck of it, fine dine at some swanky new place, and to spend a night somewhere other than on my own bed.

T-shirts, shoes, and another cell phone can all be scrapped from my never-ending wishlist. I just want to feel mind-numbingly free.

I want my birthday to be spent with people that matter. Everything else is just superficial.

*****

Percy Jackson was just, "Eh."

WWF seems like a cool place to work at but I still <3 Text100!

-conRad-

Constant Reflection Or Faux-Bliss?

2010-02-12T00:41:00.004+08:00

As time passes I think I fucked up even more.

Today's outing with Desiree and Clair shed some light on my character nowadays (cue shudders from readers who cannot stand me always reflecting on every aspect of my life. I think Desiree has made the best observation thus far, I am cold and boring when at Uni.

Clair always sees my crazy side, a side which I keep buried inside when at Uni. Desiree was quick to point that out. Each time I try to express myself freely, I get condescending and disgusted looks.

OK, so I may not really keep it deep inside but I do hide quite a lot more than I should. Only certain friends at Uni share this side of me. Others rather play it 'cool' and put on a pretentious facade.

Maybe this is one of the reasons I get so excited to hang with Clair. She allows me to be me without judging. I get to act anyway and anyhow I like and I am not made to feel like I am 'uncool'.

In UCSI, there a re a few types that one would run into frequently;

The Wannabe-Mean-Girls
This group walks around campus like a wolf pack. They try to pick on people (girls and guys alike). Far from what they believe, they are NOT hot or interesting, At best, they provide comic relief to most as they try walking around like 'Queens' of the campus and fuel the gossip mill with gossip about their stupidity. If they possess a 'burn book', please publish it. The whole world needs a good laugh at their attempts at being mean.

The Insecure-Bitch
Almost every clique will have one. He/she runs on other's mistakes which he/she uses against them in future. All bitchy torts stem from his/her own insecurities and approval from the people around him/her which is what allows him/her to sleep at night. He/She defends his/her statements by getting louder. The louder he/she shouts, the more he/she thinks she/he is winning.

The Nazi-Pathfinder
This person claims to act in your best interest but in reality, he just wants you to follow whatever he says. If things do not go his way, he blames everyone but himself and bitches 24/7. He has never looked in the mirror and saw his actual reflection. The mirror is most probably broke.

The Charming-Bloodsucker
This person calls upon any friend for anything that he/she needs and leaves them in lying in the dust when he/she is done. They have an excuse for everything they do and in the end, it would be the friend's fault.

This list can go on and with this there will also be a list of the right people one would meet in UCSI. Unfortch, I am in an evil mood so I could not careless.

Truth is, I am no saint and as much as I comment about this people, and as much as my blog is filled with posts about them, each and every person in Uni or not, have shared some characteristic in both lists. Even as I typed all this out, I could not deny that even I am sometimes each and every one of these people.

So, do you sit and ignore this fact and live in faux-bliss or do what I do, which is reflect every time you have a chance and consider all points of life and how will this affect everything?

-conRad-

You're Not Your Reflection.

2010-02-08T01:34:00.004+08:00

Contradict/Self-righteous/Hard-headed/Dependant/Arrogant

Random musings of a night.

For the past year, I have always been getting worked up, neurotic, paranoid, depressed, *insert negative adjectives (I forget? Are these adjectives? Haha!), and all because I am overtly critical of myself.

Things like these sprout from a singular external source surrounding you.

The mirror is a blessing. How else would one be able to see one's self, physically and metaphorically?

Such a shame that most cannot really see what they should see. The mirrors are broke and the cracks are ignored.

With all my vices, I am glad that I am flawed. I see what my mirror reflects and I am glad.

Pretending that things are not what they are, choosing to see what one wants to see, ignoring the things that one does and the outcomes it creates. How long can one be ignorant to what is really staring back from the mirror?

What if the mirror is so full of lies and one can never look past that reflection? What if one is so sure of one's self, there really is no turning back? There really is no comfort to all those who crossed paths and dealt with one's own perceived reflection?

How is one made to realise of one's actual reflection? Another mirror?
No, the reflection is set in stone. So, how?

Looking harder in any reflective surface, maybe one day one will see what I see. Maybe one day one will realise that indeed one is also flawed and that I and my mirror are gone. That one day was a day too late.

I fail with ignorance and I remain tormented by it. But, as time passes on and as one keeps doing what one does, I am glad I am tormented.

I and my mirror wants to move on.

-conRad-

Looks Like I'm Bored

2010-02-03T01:24:00.002+08:00

Feeling bitchier everyday.

Reconnecting with a friend is very comforting especially when the perceived "distance" is wide, you would think that a reconnection would never happen.

My heart is a flutter when something of old was never lost and little things make me realize it was staring right in front of my face all this while.

*...too much candy is gonna rot your soul. Woooah .. Woooah .. Woooah .. Lollipop!

I still think it is ridiculous that Beyonce won all those Grammys and that the Black Eyed Peas were robbed of a few well deserved awards. The Grammys always disappoint me anyway. I never look forward to it and I actually forgot it was on the 1st of February. Not until I saw the tweets did I realise that the Grammys were upon us.

True to the Grammys' nature, as it reaches the half mark it gets dull. *YAWN

I'm just randomly typing whatever is on my mind at the momo. I finished so many things on my to-do list and I am feeling lazy to carry on with my fresh and new list of things to do. I need to stop being so rigid. Me and my lists.

The Singapore trip is losing its appeal. Ugh! Do I buy the tickets even if one friend has yet to confirm and another is away and the longer I wait the price goes up? What to do? What to do?

*On my radar .. on my radar .. got you on my .. got you on my .. radar.

Britney Spears! WoooHooo!

What a scary scary this semester is. All this uncertainty would have killed me ages ago.

Heaven On Earth makes me feel like I need a special someone. Mmmmmmmm!

-conRad-

Jason and The Argonauts

2010-01-30T22:14:00.003+08:00

Why is it so hot? Is it just me?

This week has been a tough one. I have so much on my plate, I do not know which I should start with? To add, I had to fall sick and have a crazy-ass fever that comes and goes every 15 minutes.

I hate it when I fall sick. I get so weak and I cannot seem to move an inch. Getting sick just messes up my schedule and now I am way off track.

I hate getting derailed when I am about to reach my destination.

Not one important thing went right this week. I hate to say it but I am very discouraged to carry on with anything. So many times my thoughts have drifted towards just ending my uni life and get on with working.

I will not do that la. I just like thinking about it, to feel like there is always another option. I must say, constant reassurance comforts me in weird ways.

*****

I saw a doctor today. Is it weird that I feel guilty for going to see one?

Last year, when money was tight, seeing any doctor was not an option until self-medication became futile. Now, when things are a little stable, I feel guilty for seeing a doctor because it costs $$$. I have a strange strange mind.

Anyway, I went to see a new doctor today just because. I had the usual flu, fever and cough. Though, my fever came and went every 15 minutes or so. I told the doctor this and he decided to take my blood pressure. First alarm, having to check my blood pressure? That is new. Second alarm, checking my blood pressure again. Third alarm, checking my blood pressure for the third time. What is going on?

I love when someone takes my blood pressure because I like the feeling in my arm. But after three times, my odd-joyous feeling turns to worry.

The doctor said nothing and sent me off. However, I did notice that all my medication are super strong and each one will make anyone who takes it, super sleepy. Must be a little serious this flu thing.

Nice doctor. Must go back to him when I am sick again.

*****

I cannot wait for Singapore. Funny how I am rather excited for Singapore than my birthday.

*cough cough* Bleargh!

-conRad-

The Selfish Side

2010-01-24T18:52:00.005+08:00

When I finally get a stable job, I will make it up to Sham whenever we go out.

For the past few months, almost every friend I know has made or will make an important decision in their life, all for the sake of education. The choices they made or make is to satisfy their personal goals. Choices that would make them happy and just a tad more content with life.

How does one contend with that? Selfishly, I rather they not make such decisions.

I like plans, schedules, and things set in stone. The journey through life is not black and white and I begrudgingly know it. Having to react to these decisions frustrates me because I have to be supportive with whatever choice they make. My personal feelings cannot account for anything, it would not be fair. All those plans, schedules, and things set in stone are all gone or intangible-like.

Friends will remain friends. I am and will be supportive with whatever choice they make but I need to set aside my feelings.

I am sad that I hardly meet up with Sonia or hardly have time for our once-very-often phone calls.

I am sad that I will only get one period in every year to hang with Debbi.

I am sad that for now, I communicate with Denise through Skype and Twitter only.

I will be sad when Wee Nee leaves for Australia.

And I will be sad if Aaron switches majors.

But I am glad, so very glad, that these friends have made or will make tough choices that will benefit their futures and satisfy their goals. It is best for them. How can I wish otherwise?

Through the years, I placed so much importance on friends. Every single one of them. Now, when they start pursuing different things, I am like a parent who cannot let go.

I find it quite annoying that I keep having to learn such things. All these life lessons are unquestionably irritating. Especially when one has thought that there could possibly be no more life lessons that would affect me on such a scale.

Somebody needs to come up with a pill that puts a stopper to being over emotional too.

Maturity sucks.

-conRad-

You Felt The Same Too?

2010-01-20T19:15:00.004+08:00

OK, so I jump the gun a lot. Sue me.

I have been feeling like the world's most shitacious president. All it took was a call from a board member bearing not-so-disastrous news to set me down a spiral of self pity and disappointment. Sorry la my confidence is like a pyramid of cards.

I talked it over with a person or two and I realised that at some point everyone feels like how I did. It only starts to matter when one harps on it too much. Like me!

I have pretty much done what I can and I still try to make things right until my time is up. Shitacious or not, I tried my hardest.

This is me convincing myself that I am NOT the WORST PRESIDENT ever.

Wee Nee threatened to slap me if I did not snap out of my negative reverie. To put it mildly, I saw my association going down in a fiery pit of doom. Good to know my imagination still has not left me.

*****

On a personal yet disgusted note, I wish someone would cool on the coming-on to me game.

Please lah.

It is getting quite disturbing since all I feel is pure revulsion.

My face does not say it all ke?

*****

*I just slammed a person but decided I am above it. I took it off but I loved everything I had to say about said person*

Good to know I am still an evil bitch whenever I will it.

-conRad-

Fix Broken Glass

2010-01-17T22:59:00.004+08:00

Random thoughts fluttering around in my mind.

Long ago, I made up my mind that my friends would be my family. Whatever I needed from my family, my friends gave better. I was hooked, attached in gratitude.

Then last year happened.

Friends and family mirrored one another. It felt like a nightmare, one I never knew could exist.

My belief was shattered.

How do you fix broken glass?

I think some of the pieces are missing, my patience and understanding, my empathy, my common sense. And I gained a few new traits instead, pieces I never knew I had like irritation, impatience, and selfishness.

Adjusting is becoming very tiresome. Can I just skip this whole part and be me once again? You know, all pieced together, not a care in the world and not like I am so fragile, the slightest move and I would crack.

Sometimes, thinking of the easier way out feels comforting. You just lie to yourself to keep moving on. To keep chugging along these tracks of life.

I wonder if this is all part of an elaborate joke concocted by this Divine Being I believe in so wholeheartedly.

Maybe one day He will say, "Haha! Fooled ya! Now, this is what it is really like .."

Tricky thing this imagination.

What am I even typing about?

-conRad-

Why So Insane?

2010-01-13T20:32:00.005+08:00

I feel like I should blog even though I have nothing of significance to impart.

My first draft of this post was of me being neurotic but then I realized that typing up a storm on it would just feed my odd disposition.

In all honesty, I think I have changed so much, identifying that person in the mirror staring back at me seems to be a not-so-funny joke.

Over the years, coming to terms with many things in my personal life changed my perceptions on things that I thought were very black and white.

As much as I rather work for a living, I would still like to go back to those horrid high school years and revel in the comfort of having friends around me almost 24/7.

I think I need a distraction to govern my life. Something that allows me to not always take life too seriously. To not be tense. To not depend so much on friends. To not hold on to them and never let go.

To take that chill pill everyone talks about.

Why is it that whenever I am by myself I feel like I am losing a friend? Clingy much?

Odd disposition fed. FML.

-conRad-

I Could Not Resist

2010-01-11T01:19:00.002+08:00

I could not resist plagiarizing Kingsley's prayer that he wrote. I hope he does not mind. I just think it is written beautifully.

"Father we thank you
For all that we’ve been through
The trials and temptations
In hard times we pull through
By your grace and mercy
We lead the lives that we do
Only You can help us to be
The children filled with wisdom
The children fit for your kingdom
Fit for heaven, coz we’ve been forgiven
Unto us you have given, Christ the one who has risen
Let us live only for Jesus and no other reason
And Lord we pray, help us walk the narrow way
The way that leads to life and keeps evil at bay
Lord, forgive us for the times we’ve gone astray
May we live for today, and be responsible for all that we say"

Amen.

-conRad-

Honestly ..

2010-01-10T16:24:00.003+08:00

I know I am paranoid and I know I obsess and over-think about many things.

For months I tortured myself over expectations and over analysing every single detail of my life. It is exhausting and mentally straining. How did I get like this?

I really have no time to figure out when and why I became like this. All I want to know is how do I overcome this. Not only is it unfair to me, but others too.

Even with me being neurotic, I still have 'new' friends that overlook this and bare with me. I am thankful for that and I apologize in advance whenever I get like this.

It took me awhile to honestly explain everything that I have been feeling to certain people. I was told to do this ages ago but I did not for a multitude of reasons, perhaps my ego did manage to creep in and made me think twice.

Life has already thrown so many curve balls and I do not need me to be creating more stress for myself.

All I ask God everyday is to help me be me, minus my insanity, without hurting others. The thought of losing those I treasure scares me everyday.

I do not think I can handle knowing that I cannot be friends with certain people anymore because I could not handle whatever I am going through now.

Friendship means more to me than anything else.

-conRad-

Mend That Promise

2010-01-06T00:56:00.004+08:00

It has been two days and I already broke a promise to myself.

Seeing as how I do not want a repeat of last year and all that lows that came with it, I proposed to myself that I would and will not allow anything to mirror that year. Yeah right.

As soon as I walked through those glass doors, my guard came down and I saw glimpses of a year that would not change. And I panicked.

I do not know why? But only life at UCSI can bring out my deepest insecurities.

I cannot blame others for my own paranoia. It feels so out of hand. Is it not odd that I freak and fret about things I can obviously handle even blindfolded with one hand and leg tied up? I need to stop this before it totally consumes me. I am already half/three quarters eaten.

I feel guilty. So guilty for always complaining about the same thing over and over again to the same person. I feel like I am pushing away my only source of sanity.

Sometimes, I feel like I do not deserve the blessings I get because I am not what people think I am. But that is just me over thinking again. Even as I typed out that sentence I know it is rubbish. But these thoughts float in my head. Taunting me. And sometimes, I just let that guard down and start believing that tiny voice that gets louder and louder. Then, I get angry at friends who seem like they have it all.

I unfairly hate them.

After some time, I would come down from that mountain of stupidity and I go into a spiral of depression and anger at myself. It is a never ending cycle.

Is this post that never ending cycle? Am I over thinking things again?

Whatever it is, as soon as I realise what I do to myself and to others, I tell myself repeatedly to stop it. Maybe I should go and see if I can mend that broken promise before I get thrown into a mental institution or something.

One thing is for sure, I get like this whenever I am at uni.

-conRad-

Parties, Trips and Mates

2010-01-01T14:23:00.004+08:00

I usually dread having to attend Christmas Mass in the Portuguese Settlement. All those inconsiderate people disrupting the peacefulness of the season feels very anti-Christmas rather than a proper celebration. Christmas loses its meaning when things like aerosol snow spray and lighted head bands become must-haves of the day. Most young adults do not get it and probably never will. All religious celebrations will just be another big party to them.

Anyway, Christmas was not so bad after all. Blaise and I walked through the settlement to see the decorations and we ended up chilling at my friend's home. I have know Trisha and her family since I was born and catching up with them over a couple of beers was good.

I came back to KL on Christmas day, bringing along my grandmother who has not left Malacca on Christmas ever. To add, we brought her to her twin sister's home, another first for her as she has never spent Christmas with her sister in years.

I love family Christmas parties. Probably because I only attend those of whom that matter.

Oh! Uncle Eddie's party! What can I say? That's the party I look forward to every year. It is a must go. I just wish my parents would either go earlier or stay longer!

Another Christmas party worth noting, Aunty Sharmini's party. It was the first time I actually attended any party of hers. She is such a sweet person and she treats us so nicely all the time. Again, I wished my parents would just stay longer. This party had a DJ and a dance floor and I missed all that!

*****

I went a day late for my family's annual PD trip. I do not think I can ever be disappointed with these trips. It's always fun in different ways.

I finally got to play the Wii. Quite fun. Must get one when rich.

*****

My plans with Sonia got partially ruined. But Desiree made up for it.

I spent the whole night just drinking and talking with Desiree till we got chased out of Divino in Jaya One.

I think the people at Divino think I'm a player now because I had dinner with Sonia earlier, before hanging with Des. The food is not too bad but Divino seemed rather shorthanded with the help.

The drinks were a little pricey but so good. Des and I found a new haunting spot.

*****

Parents decide to stay another day in Malacca. What shall I do tonight?

-conRad-

That Nudge

2010-01-01T13:58:00.004+08:00

I'm beat! I swept and mopped the house, cleaned the backyard, and washed the toilet. The new year should start with the house being spotless I suppose.

Now how do I get rid of my dog? *ponders*

I cannot believe that my internship at Text100 has ended for now. I would rather just quit university and work full time at Text. God knows I will try anything to get away from most UCSI people.

Aside from my days at Text being fun, I cannot sum up the amount of things I have learnt and experienced. The immense sense of accomplishment after ending my internship is a little overwhelming.

I know I still have a lot to learn but what I have gained so far was beyond what I expected.

My colleagues treated me as one of them. I felt like I was a part of something, very unlike UCSI. My work can pile to the heavens and I could still walk away with high spirits.

I think I may have found my calling. I do not want to be so premature but at least this solidifies my chosen pathway in Marketing Communication.

I thank God so much for guiding me towards Text. I needed a nudge in the right direction and I believe Text was it.

-conRad-

The Money Path

2009-12-19T14:38:00.003+08:00

It looks like I will end up helping out at every Sacred Heart Children's Christmas Party if I so happen to be free. I do not know how I feel about that. I am only biased to certain children, mostly those who are my cousins or nieces and nephews or a cute friendly little baby.

*****

I have not had much time to update anything except 'tweet' whenever I can. Micro-blogging is way more convenient and Facebook is getting way too old. My Twitter account is the only thing that keeps me sane when my work takes a large chunk of my time and becomes a little too much to handle.

The year is almost ending and the office will close on the 24th but work has never ceased. Who says work lessens as the year ends? I already know what I will be working on next week and I foresee long nights ahead.

PR is growing on me more and more. I have already mapped out a career path in PR and it reaches the same goal as the one I mapped for in Advertising. Awesome!

When I first announced that my co-op placement was at PR company, most seniors and some friends said that it will be hard. Many even thought I would not be able to handle it. Sucks to be those people! Sorry la that I did way better than you would.

After a short meeting with my boss and supervisor, I really see a path lighting up and pointing to PR. Still, I do not want to be hasty. I need to be absolutely positively sure!

*****

I am super bad with money management. I just cannot seem to hold on to my money. I keep and keep and when someone asks me out, there it all goes. I am only half serious about my savings and this really worries me. I tell myself that I deserve to spend my hard earned money but maybe sometimes I go overboard. Things nowadays are way too expensive but I need to hang with my friends.

I do not like staying home. I thought that at this age, I should be out and about with friends, experiencing what the world has to offer but my money woes always dampens my mood.

With that said, I am going clubbing tonight with Sonia and a new friend. I think it is time to meet with new people. And with that, shall I lose more money. Go figure.

-conRad-

Must. Budgetize. Self.

2009-12-06T18:08:00.003+08:00

Yeah, budgeting myself is totally useless at times.

Following Sonia out for one specific reason is a total bust especially when it is us. We must do other things. Run an errand or two, eat, shop, and come up with other things to do.

It sucks when I find so many things that fit my idea of how my wardrobe should be like next year and they run out of my size. Because of that, my Christmas Wish List just grew longer. Time for an update!

When at Times Square, there are very limited things to do when you are .. Uhm .. not a certain group of people. Lol. So, Sonia and I tried to make the best of our time searching for a restaurant that neither of us have eaten at and shop at really .. Uhm .. you-know-what-kind-of-shop-lah.

The restaurant idea was also a bust. Most restaurants hardly provide anything unique. We both ended up at the Chicken Rice Shop eating their chicken satay set. Surprisingly it was good and we were so full, shop-hopping proved to be a painful experience because of it.

Shop-hopping was painful, not the actual shopping. I came home all happy and a lot fatter.

-conRad-

When Monday Comes

2009-12-06T02:10:00.003+08:00

I can finally say that it has been a shitty week.

I always get so caught up with friends untill I do not realise how much I spend on myself. Shitty week or not, the amount I spent on just drinking with buddies is ridiculous.

I 'smartly' messed up my budget plans. Crap.

High School Musical 3 is playing in the hall, my sister insists on recording and watching it over and over again. Stupid movie reminds me on so many things that never happened or I missed in my own high school.

Time, people and places. All so shitty this week.

One would think that work would be the main cause of my stress, it is not.

-conRad-

Would You Like My Eight Hands?

2009-11-29T17:12:00.003+08:00

Yet again I have ignored this nagging voice telling me to get a start on my co-op log book.

Maybe next week lah?

I do not mind lending a helping hand to anyone who asks unless, one keeps asking for more hands to lend, issues a snide remark at how much I do not help, or makes me feel that it is all I am for, a helping hand and nothing more.

My mum agreed to help the St. Vincent De Paul group at their jumble sale today. After some time, the group looked like they needed a lot of help and so, my siblings and I helped out selling a bunch of things. I sometimes like doing things like these. I get to talk to random people and share a little insight into their lives. Swapping stories and observing body language is my favourite pastime.

I was having so much fun, even a snide remark from someone who was not even helping did not bother me.. did not bother me at the time. Seriously, some people should really learn to shut their mouths. I thought that the fact that I am helping should be enough? This is why I try not to take part in any Church-y thing.

Anyway, I did have fun so, '=P' stupid woman!

*****

I thought Santa came by my home and puked all over last Friday, I was wrong. It was just an elf. Santa puked today.

*****

I almost wanted to blog about how much one could pretend that there was nothing wrong and go on treating people the way they do. Then I realised, none of you are worth that much of my time.

The most I can say is that the clearest perspective appears when you are away.

Goodbye to what was.

*****

I think that every year there will be one or two movies, no matter how much I would want to watch it, it will never happen.

This year, 2012 is that movie. Seriously.

-conRad-

The Clearest Perspective

2009-11-27T18:18:00.004+08:00

Is it logical to stay with something so good despite not knowing if it fits?

The clearest of answers come when you happen to be away from the problem. I swear that my co-op placement has been less stressful than attending university. It is practically God-sent. I may not feel 100% comfortable (who does?) but it feels right and I do not want to give this up. My hard work paid off.

All those nights I pray for God to help point a path seems answered in some way. Certain things have been remedied, not fully, but the plaster is on the wound. As funny as it may sound coming from me, prayer really does work. Despite all my decisions and all my setbacks, I held and still hold on to one thing that works.

I wish that my situation now lasts till my final year. I just do not want to go back to university feeling all alone and lost in a crowd. Hopefully, I remember what I have learnt while being away and stick to my plans. What carried through this year cannot be repeated.

Brand new eyes indeed.

I wish things were different and everything was fine. It is not. Expectations get shattered all the time and I should really make peace with that.

*****

I am a little sad that Denise will be leaving for America just a few days after New Year. But, I know it is right, most logical, *insert surest possibility* that she should study abroad. I cannot wish anything but the best for her.

I am glad my friends are doing well and that things like this are happening for them. I love how God makes these things possible for friends.

It may not be in the books for me right now, but I am sure I will be given such opportunities in the future. Even if I may sound negative sometimes something ALWAYS happens to discourage and TELL ME OTHERWISE.

*****

I like yesterday. I liked helping out at an event. I like working with people who seem to like me. I like planning the Christmas Party (even though I risk disappointing them). I like how they made such a fuss for 'Secret Santa'. I like working with the new account coordinator. I like doing a good job. I like talking to certain people on the phone. I like learning. I like being able to play with the giant Snake & Ladders game with my colleagues after work ends.

*****

Haiyo! My Christmas wish list as requested by a colleague involves nothing but CDs on Pop music.

I am deeply saddened that the Britney Spears - Ultimate Fan Box Set cannot be found at the nearest music store and according to the sales attendant, there is no news on whether it will be sold in Malaysia. How can this be?

Hello! Ultimate fan here!

*Light bulb moment*

I just realised that I could ask my Godmother to pre-order it for me through Amazon/Barnes & Noble because she loves shopping online. The bad thing is, she would not let me pay for it in the end and I so do not want her to do that for me. She already spends way too much on me.

Haih .. Predicaments.

I cannot order online because none in my family own a credit card or would even let me do it. Seriously.

*****

How many of you get to work with your closest friend?

I am going to have Michelle next to me for the last month of my co-op placement. Yay! It feels like the time I worked with Debbi for Az's internship company. Hehe..

-conRad-

Booked Face

2009-11-22T13:20:00.004+08:00

You got to love KLpac's T4YP.

Aziemah and Julie planned to catch T4YP's Lab Project; Mukabuku, at KLpac on Saturday, and I was invited along with Edmund and Azz's sister. The play was pretty good. Some from the essemble were spot on with their emotions and others were almost there. Nonetheless, if the point got across, it was not bad.

The play carried six parts addressing addiction, love and happiness, grief and insanity, mukabuku actions, approaching the end, and what could have been. I loved the fourth part titled 'Top Friends' (ring any bells?). It made me laugh my pants off.

'Remains', the fifth part made me cry halfway as it triggered memories of those who have left and gone to a better place this year. What hit home was a reference to something in relation to Gary and how his current Facebook page looks like now. I teared so much and tried very hard to keep it quiet.

I hate it when I get caught up in the story told.

I suppose the flow of stories could have been better because ending it with Could've Been was a little anti climax especially since 'death' was addressed twice throughout the play.

The day was already awesome and we capped it off at Williams. The food has never failed me, all that cheesy fatty goodness. Lol.

I think I should go out and experience the theater scene much more. Might as well do that than contemplating if I should audition everytime KLpac is looking for actors and never actually going.

-conRad-

Reevaluate

2009-11-21T17:14:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, as a president of a student body with a board full of friends, it is not always so reassuring. Even as a president of a student body and having friends around you who are not in the board is also not reassuring.

Like I have said a million times before, it has been a sucky year. A year where people have tested my friendship over and over again.

Some of my board members have been a blessing. It is far less for what I can say about the rest in and outside the board. So many false promises, harsh judgements, lack of trust, bitching without reason, and treating one less of a friend and more of a personal assistant.

People always ask how many of those on my Facebook list are my friends?
I always say all because I have known them in some period of time. Yes, all 500+ of them.

But if one asked, how many are really truly friends?
I would say about 10% from my Facebook list and those friends know who they are. If you have to think, you are probably not one of them. Tough luck.

I hate this year so much for making me have to reevaluate who my friends are. I was so sure before and I was so secure.

-conRad-

Self Praise

2009-11-21T16:56:00.002+08:00

How many times can one watch the first Superman movie?
Apparently hundreds when you are my dad.

Yet another busy week that came/is coming to an end.

A colleague of mine, well, one more than the others, opened my eyes much more to the world of PR. Honestly, I never really considered PR as a line of work for me. I know I am suited and I do tend to show an affinity towards certain PR attributes but the creative aspect of Advertising has always filled my mind and fueled my passion in Mass Communication.

However, ever since I started my internship, PR seems quite lucrative as a job option, not only because I seem to be adjusting well but because it feeds my need to learn, influence and call something I was part of, my own.

I suppose it is too early to start making any big decisions and I do have to be absolutely sure. For now, I have never been more proud of myself. I do not use that word so freely when I do something I should be proud of, but it is time I told myself so.

-conRad-

When Two Meet

2009-11-15T23:10:00.003+08:00

It has been ages since Sonia and I actually had a whole day out with each other. Nothing is quite like an outing that we have together. The world disolves around us and it would be just the two of us. Nothing matters when we are in our element.

Enough said.

-conRad-

Takes A Toll

2009-11-13T17:38:00.004+08:00

It has always irked me and I have always turned a blind eye.

It would seem to most of my friends that are NOT from UCSI that all I am to most of my UCSI friends is the go-to, helps everyone, and gets nothing in return guy. And you know what? They are right.

I ignored it because I believed I was being too judgemental and it is not very nice to think of friends in such a way.

Fuck that!

Best example I can give is having these 'friends' not talk to me since our break and the first time they call me, it is for a damn fucking favour!

Is that all I am for?

Once I fulfill that favour then what?

I'll tell you what, screw me over, not talk to me, and be nice to ask for another favour down the line.

Sometimes, you people make me doubt what 'friendship' really means.

But it is always nice to know that I have so many other friends that remind me that it is not so.

I give you UCSI people way too much face and have way too much expectations.

-conRad-

Boney M

2009-11-08T20:43:00.004+08:00

To me, nothing feels like Christmas without a listen to Boney M's Christmas album. I grew up listening to it ever since I could identify a Christmas song. My mum loves the group and she usually starts Christmassifying the whole house after All Soul's Day (Nov 2). Christmas! Christmas! Christmas!

I have no idea why I am so excited.

Working near Midvalley Megamall and The Gardens has one or two perks. The best so far is being able to feel all Christmassy. The decorations are out and the ornaments for sale. Yay!

Next would be the music, artificial snow, and elaborate displays.

*Starts to plan what decoration and ornament goes where around the house! Hhhmmmmm..*

-conRad-

What Have I Done?

2009-11-08T19:49:00.003+08:00

Seriously. What have I done thus far?

To not disappoint my overbearing self, it would be very unlike me to not question myself and how things are going at work.

Am I cut out for this?

Questions plague me as I see people starting to question themselves about their pathway. Fears.

Unfounded or am I just psyching myself out? I do this too often. Over think and worry for the future. In this case, wondering if am I doing my very best and disappointing?

Dear God, help man create a chill pill? Please.

-conRad-

When Will Be The Next?

2009-11-01T13:02:00.003+08:00

The All American Rejects concert was kind of 'meh' for me.

I don't know why but I felt like they were much better during the MTV World Stage concert? I enjoyed myself nonetheless. As always good company makes the 'meh' of things much more fun. Like every other concert, I jumped, I sang, I screamed, I bitched, I and danced my ass off.

Despite the 'meh'ness, I can still say I had so many moments during that concert that would last me a life time just like the previous concert(s) I went for.

Still there were two things that bothered me. One of which I find myself so angry each time I think about it so, it is locked in box deep deep inside my mind. Go away negativity!

The other incident was awesome. There was this wannabe bitch who phoned her friends to come and squeeze in front of me and my friends. Some of her dick-head friends came forward but pushed past ahead of us. Good. At least no one was blocking us till one dude decided to stand right in front of Azz.

I got pissy and told her, "Are you serious? Can you get your friend outta my friend's face?".

And she dared to reply, "What? It hasn't even started yet?".

I got so mad I said, "I don't care! Get him away now!".

She tried to fight back by saying, "Isn't there more space at the back there?".

Bitch actually thought she won till I told her "Really? Why don't you get your ass there than?".

Haha! You got owned! Bitch opened her mouth to reply till she saw Azz's and my face. Her dick of a friend did not want to mess with me and Azz and so he pretended to be on the phone. Seriously.

That felt so good, I actually wished she fought back because the earlier incident got me so mad I would have loved to have vented my anger on that whole group of dick-heads.

Bitch fight!

I met Joe while lining up to enter. Poor dude was actually freaking early and could have gotten a place right in front of the stage but gave up his spot to his friends and later ended up somehow walking aimlessly and not waiting in line! If I had not spotted him and texted him, he would just have stood around staring into space. Haha! it was good to hang with him till I accidentally ditched him when we got in. Thank God he found his group of friends! I tried to phone him but my cell phone decided to play dead at that moment. Stupid pms-ing phone.

I got in quite late, around 7pm if I am not mistaken, but somehow I managed to be right in front of the stage. And the crowd kept moving forward and I was quite near. We were lucky to get a spot in front of the stage and having many short people in front of us. we saw everything!

I wonder which concert will I attend next?

-conRad-

iHeart

2009-10-31T16:49:00.004+08:00

It was a mistake to say that I would come in for work on Friday. I should have just taken the week off. I thought a day of rest after my exam would be fine. Nope! Total bullcrap. A little to ambitious sometimes.

Nevertheless, I salvaged the day by skipping out on the company dinner at some place far far away from home and to spend time with Michelle. Little did I know that by waiting for Michelle to get to Midvalley, I bumped into Lai Kuen and Ashley.

I <3 bullying Ashley

It was a well spent 1 hour with them. One of the little blessings of UCSI was having Lai Kuen and Ashley as friends.

Michelle and I caught the 9.50pm movie for Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs. It was quite an entertaining movie. The silliness is contagious. "Steve!"

I also <3 NPH!! Ehehe. "Steve!"

*In 3 minutes I will have to dart off and get ready for AAR's concert! AHAHAHA!

I <3 Azz and Julie!!

-conRad-

They Made A Statue Of Us

2009-10-29T02:11:00.002+08:00

I love people's different perspectives on things and how I learn. You just have to not annoy the hell out of me when you are expressing said perspectives. Very few know the art.

I missed hanging with Stephanie and constantly talking and making fun of people and laughing and eating and making more fun of people and going crazy in accepted amounts of energy bursts. That was fun.

Serenity comes at the oddest of times.

-conRad-

Indecision. Me. Crazy.

2009-10-29T01:20:00.002+08:00

What is a word that describes something in between 'meh' and good?

That is what 500 Days of Summer feels like to me. I can see why the movie did well but somehow something felt like it was missing. Like a pea under a mattress.

It frustrates me that I cannot seem to find the right word to describe the missing link.

As usual, I am always drawn to a movie's cinematic direction. The visualization and the connotations it carries speak to me before anything else. 500 had beautiful interpretations of expressing emotions.

Which is probably why I felt so deeply in wanting to kill off one of the characters.

A movie that can keep a smile on my face and pull me through its emotional-runs is a good enough reason for people to go and catch this movie. Sadly, 500's last showing in KL was Wednesday night (last night). Looks like one has to travel up north to catch it?

You know what else deserves a mention? The movie's soundtrack. The entire time I was watching 500, I kept making a mental note to get my hands on the soundtrack (if you know what I mean). I tried so hard to explain to Stephanie how much I love the soundtrack without being too noisy. Little did I know, she was trying to do the same thing. HAHA!

The soundtrack complements the movie perfectly. Enough said!

Don't you just hate how people don't get the funny parts of a movie and you end up laughing like a cow while the rest of theater is quiet?

Oh! Oh! And if you can show the word 'bitch', why sensor just a word (could have been 'fuck') and some kissing? It was so badly edited that one could tell very clearly it was hastily done.

Malaysia. Seriously.

-conRad-

Tainted View

2009-10-25T00:57:00.004+08:00

With all the shit I keep getting, I am surprised I still have not shot myself yet.

Videos;

Unity, Peace, Tolerance equals Friendship
The title is of a video submitted by someone from UCSI Uni that links to Proton's 1Malaysia crap competition. I hate to taint my blog with political ploys but the video is so bad I just had to link it. The video titled 'Ne...???' is much better.

She is effing funny.

*****

Tagging along with Michelle to the 8TV Quickie auditions was the right move. Michelle had planned on giving it a go and I was to lend my undying support. Somehow, I ended up auditioning along with Alvin and her. The guard at the entrance would not let either Alvin or I through if we did not audition. Stupid guard.

So I registered, watched many pretentious people come and go, bumped into my neighbour (also auditioning), and made a few friends (as usual, names of which I cannot remember). The wait was long. Michele, Alvin and I were #61, #62 and #63 respectively and at that time, #11 was in waiting.

Our turn came at about 2.30pm or later. I think I screwed up the 1 minute introduction because my mind went blank. I started talking about movies and I have not even watched a single significant movie for the past 2 months or more! After that, I had to move on to a mock talk show.

My talk show was awesome. Tainted View was a show with the tag line, 'The Malaysian take on International Gossip'. I killed it.

I managed to get Prem (current Quickie host and Fly.fm DJ) to be Paris Hilton visiting Malaysia. Interviewing 'Prem' Hilton was hilarious. My end show sign-off was spot on. Even I surprised myself. It was all in good fun.

I found out later that I had auditioned for a reality show to find the newest Quickie host. Wtf? A reality show? Crappers!

I did not bother with preparing for the audition. All in my mind was, "Lalalalalalalalala ..OOOOO.. Shiny things!".

I spent my entire time at Sri Pentas making friends and bitching about others. Seriously, American and British accents are so last century. Grow up. Almost everyone auditioning was so generic. Is there a factory I do not know about?

I love pretentious people. Who else am I going to make fun off?

-conRad-

Crappers!

2009-10-19T00:19:00.004+08:00

I still hold back so many things I have to say.

*****

Work has been very tiring. I have not adjusted very well to the timing and the work load, either that or I make myself follow a strict schedule too much. The best example of over extending myself would be this coming Thursday's schedule. Not only am I sitting for a final exam, I also scheduled a meeting with WWF, another meeting for UCSI's Got Talent committee, and a much needed outing with friends. Note that both meetings are at opposite ends of Kuala Lumpur and each are equally energy draining.

I leave myself very little time to breathe.

I am glad I was given the week off from my interning duties. If not, I might just head back to the office as a zombie/an undead/a lifeless vessel.

*****

I had so many random thoughts that I wanted to blog about but as usual, I forget. I come up with blog posts in my head wherever I am and as soon as I sit in front of the laptop/desktop, I can never seem to recall. I even come up with good titles!

It is very frustrating to know something, get all excited, and not be able to type about it. Seriously. There were even funny incidents that happened and I wanted to share. Crappers!

Sometimes, why do I bother blogging?

*****

Last semester, I used to have sharp pains in my leg. It felt like a hot needle jabbing into my shin and scrapping the bone. It was THAT painful. There were times in class where I would suppress a yelp or automatically jump and hold the hurting area. It was weird. But it all stopped right after the semester ended.

Today, my right foot, the back of the heel, has this tight pull whenever I walk. Sometimes it gets so bad, I cannot walk but I force myself anyway.

I do not understand things like this? Why does it hurt so much and it better be something common that everyone goes through. I am tired of all these aches, pains, and constantly falling sick. What the HELL is up with my immune system and a bunch of other things in my body this year?

I think it is stress brought on by over working and shit.

*****

One more time another television show mentions the words 'Kopi Luwak', I will go berserk!

Can everybody stop jumping on the bandwagon of lamosity?

Just because it is the most expensive coffee in the world and getting the beans involve bowel movements of a certain animal, does not mean you can beat that dead horse to death. It does not make the show hit higher ratings nor does it add extra cool points. SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

-conRad-

Excuse Me, Some Of Us Are Studying!

2009-10-12T22:32:00.005+08:00

I added a new blog link in the list of others whom I stalk; Engrish.com

*****

Scary Scary!

The last time it happened, Shantini (Ah! That name ..) was at the receiving end. I could not control myself, was scarily shaking, and tears formed in my eyes. Thus is such a reaction from me when I am beyond angry.

None of that happened today, well, except the shaking part.

You know the phrase, 'blood boiling'? I now understand why it got coined like that. My blood was indeed boiling, heart was beating fast, and the color in my face rose.

I cannot count how many times I tried to calm myself down. I tried deep breaths, distracting my mind with jokes, paying extra attention to the lecturer, and mindless babble. It worked till 'they' started singing.

My blood rose faster than my brain could notice. I blew. Shouting in the middle of the class is not cool. Somebody had to do it. LOL!

Why do it though? I suppose all my pent up frustration was at the brim in my cup of patience. Funny I should lose my temper at unknown people. I have a lot more better reasons to explode at rather than at idiots who do not deserve any one's time of day.

Me and my drama.

*****

I am at a point where I just except shitty things happening. I do my best to live through the days. My plans lead to a leaving of the nest. Maybe then I can find some peace. Peace found far from blood, ties and lies.

I looked for pillars of strength. They all burned and scorned. Such is life's fate.

*****

Please do not leave.

-conRad-

Malas La!

2009-10-11T18:10:00.004+08:00

Will balancing my social life prove to be the wrong move?

'Busy' is the perfect adjective to describe my life. Not only do I have classes, I also juggle my SSLAA responsibilities, try to organize a huge Eco event, do my dad's office work, take on a 3 month internship, and salvage what is left of my social life. I must say, I am awesome.

Am I not?

Still, there will always be a nagging feeling, "jack of all trades, master of none". It is one of my biggest fears. The best I do is to not allow such worries bother me for long. Been there done that. Thank you very much. I do not need silly allowances of self pity.

I never really fully considered a career in Public Relations. My mind has been set on Advertising for so long, I forgot my personal strengths in other areas. This internship is a blessing. It reopened new 'loves' and presented another option to a life in Communications. My inner-self proclamations for the Public Relations industry may be premature but, "so far so good".

As I always love to overthink, I pray hard that I am doing my best and that my best is more than enough. I have a plan and I am sticking to it. Even if it does seem like I took a 'wrong turn' most of the time.

My doubts are babies birthed by insecurities. *I made YOU think of Insecurities giving birth to baby Doubts. Haha!* As Dot Dot dutifully updates her Facebook statuses with wisdom (occasionally, the rest are mostly craziology musings), "I must persevere". Thank you Chano!

I seriously need to work on my 'taking criticism skills' because each time I just break into a million pieces, over analyze, over think, and get depressed. I take some things way too seriously. Silliness! Must work on that. Harder.

Another thing to work on? My fondness for formulating sentences passively. I just love passive sentences. Must work on that too. Harder.

Hehe!

I still have a lot of learning to do. Malas la!

-conRad-

Flashes Of Time

2009-10-05T02:00:00.002+08:00

In God I trust.

Having a very relaxed moment is very rare for a day like yesterday. Editing an assignment is more than stressful especially when 'editing' borders doing-the-whole-assignment-alone. So when I started to reminisce about my life in primary school, the very rare feeling of being peaceful and stress-free was more than welcoming.

Memories flashed before me, each becoming more fleeting than the other, but all were leaving a wish for time travel to be true. An escapism to an innocence that I long gave up in the quest for adulthood.

Flashes of time where my friends and I believed that the small hill in school was our playground and we buried a friend's pet rabbit on it because the place meant so much to us. Then, there was the time we built a small clubhouse behind the school science garden and the time I confided in a friend for my affection towards a teacher because she was so nice to me. Not forgetting, for a reason beyond my understanding, of a teacher who could not touch chalks and applied lotion to her hands before and after touching them. She thought me mathematics. These memories surprisingly mean the a lot to me.

I know not why but they do.

*****

I was going to lambaste about how horrid last Wednesday was but I decided why bother? I am feeling so good right now, resurfacing my disappointment would be of no benefit.

-conRad-

Because There Were No Pictures

2009-10-04T01:41:00.005+08:00

Crappers! I randomly uploaded it all.

Because it looks nice and did cool repetitive stunts in the air.

Because it made my cute lil' cousin go "Oh no! It's going to crash! .. I can't watch!" *covers her eyes*

Because I'm vain and undoubtedly HOT!.

Because I like green.

Because the Thunderbirds were awesome!

Because they were aligned perfectly.

Because I like hangers for some strange reason.

Because I met a ground engineer (Michael Inman) and I am HOT! yet again.

Because I finally edited a photo using my cell phone.

-conRad-

Mess With The Bull

2009-09-30T21:04:00.002+08:00

.. you get the horns. Remember that friend who wasn't much of friend? At times I love that I'm a bitch.

Conrad Edmund Bateman 30 September at 19:13
If you took the time to look past the notion that the 'world spins around you', you would have realized that I did try to meet up with you more than once but you bailed at the very last second without even bothering to let me know. We all know the reason why you bailed, pettiness is something we have come to ignore about you.

And when you did invite me to an outing, it was always somewhere where I could not afford to go and having transportation was quite impossible.

I am past the stage of anger, I am just disappointed with this message.

The jab at my studies was unnecessary and childish. Logically, when one comes down during the period when another has classes, obviously it would be hard for both to meet up. It would be the same if I went to *foreign country* when you were not on holiday.

I guess being understanding is not your forte'. Expecting us to roll out a red carpet for you every time you come back is ridiculous. We have lives of our own. Not just you.

It is up to you if you want to bother with us or not. I am tired of playing these games. Good luck in your studies too. It is such a disappointing end. Blame who ever you like.

-conRad-

I'm Sorry I'm Better Than You

2009-09-29T01:12:00.002+08:00

How would you feel if a friend you loved turns to pettiness and decides to hurt you further by comparing the level of education between you and said friend?

Some friend.

Annoying people are around you everywhere. They live in the open for you to plot their deaths or day dream of open human-hunting.

I have one annoying person in my Fundamentals of Marketing assignment group. One that I wish I could punch in the face repeatedly and/or openly human-hunt.

Never have I been so offended when said annoying group mate was talking to me, only for 5 seconds, and cut off almost immediately to talk to another friend behind me in Cantonese. Excuse me? He always looks like it pains him to talk to me and loves belittling my decisions.

Max calls it racism. Mum says it is plain rudeness. I say it is both.

Firstly, I do not take orders. Secondly, for someone who seems to 'know' a lot, why do the easiest question in the assignment? Lastly, I am the leader. What I say goes.

What a fucktard.

-conRad-

Broken Feet

2009-09-26T18:41:00.003+08:00

I thought I rocked hard at MTV World Stage and that I could not rock any harder. I once again proved myself wrong. I rocked so hard at Arthur's Day, I may need a hip replacement in the near future.

Dirty dancing, mad jumping, insane laughter, and being a bitch were just a few of the things I did with Sonia, Clair, Desiree, and Michelle. The moment the Black Eyed Peas came on, I was in total ecstasy.

Forget the crowd singing in unison, forget the constant partying, forget that I was so close to the stage I could smell the BEP, forget BEP even! Just the fact that I went with the right group of people, my closest friends, made that whole day priceless.

The BEP were fantastic. The acts before them, some were good and others should not have bothered. Most notable non-BEP act, Reshmonu. I did not know a single song he sang but dirty dancing with Sonia was awesome.

It was so *expletive* AWESOME!!

*****

On the same day, I also had an interview at Text 100 Public Relations.

I went with no expectations. My search for an interning opportunity at a reputable firm seemed futile. It was not easy and getting rejected, especially when one thinks he got it in the bag, is quite disappointing.

I was interviewed by two people. Both were shooting questions one after another because my inexperience and lack of knowledge (1st year Degree student) seemed like a liability for the company. I answered as best as I could, stumbling a little here and there. Hopefully my best was good enough.

My interviewers seemed like interesting people and the firm, from what I gathered by observation and research, seems stable (unlike AMCHAM), flexible(unlike AMCHAM), and very well established (unlike ..).

I made sure I e-mailed the right companies. Better to learn from the best than struggle with the new, if it can be helped.

I went with no expectations but I left with hope.

-conRad-

Say 'No!' Conrad

2009-09-24T17:52:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I should not be allowed to have money. I spend way too much on food.

*****

What have I gotten myself into now?

I was going to turn Navid down nicely. To give him a polite decline. A confident N-O! But I did a total 'three-sixty'. Seriously.

Navid sounded like he needed the help and assured me that all I had to do was supervise. He said he needed someone responsible enough to manage the Marketing Committee for next year's UCSI's Got Talent contest. He proposed the idea and I believed in it wholeheartedly. I was persuaded. He sold it well. Except the fact that he told me that I was his second choice. Humph!

At least I am supervising and I get to choose my own team. That sounds reasonable. Right?

Who the hell am I going get to be part of my team? Generally, no one bothers with the things that I am interested in. =S

*****

Lucky's face is healing. Whee! But he tries to scratch off the scab, making it bleed more. Boo!

Stupid dog!

-conRad-

That Stupid Dog!

2009-09-20T23:21:00.003+08:00

I know I say I would rather my dog not exist but I cannot bear looking at him now because I do not know what I can do.

For sometime now, Lucky has been having a rash around his neck. I think his chain is causing the rash but after medicating it with some iodine it does not look so bad. However, today, Lucky has a new wound on his left cheek. Nobody knows how it got there.

Lucky never runs outside of my home and our backyard is his playground so, it could not be a fight with another dog. This wound looks like a scratch made worse by Lucky's paws.

The terrible thing about it the wound is that it must itch severely which causes Lucky to scratch at it almost constantly. It is so horrible till blood splatters whenever Lucky cannot control his urge to scratch.

We tried medicating it but Lucky does not let anyone near his face. We cannot send him to the vet because he puts up a fight all the way. The best I can come up with is buy pills to make him sleep, dab the appropriate medication, and put a plastic cone (which he will try to get off as soon as he wakes up and probably succeed).

Right now, the best we can do is to continually scold, threaten, hit his leg whenever he scratches and attempt at medicating it. But the sound of him whining and the wound on his face breaks my heart every time. Even when he is soundlessly sleeping and I look at him, it worries me.

Stupid dog!

-conRad-

Don't Google Me Please.

2009-09-18T18:52:00.003+08:00

My Godmother left for the airport not too long ago. I cannot wait till her next trip back to KL. I enjoyed myself so much, I am having 'Godma' withdrawals. LOL!

I. Must. Travel. To. Australia. ...AGAIN!

Withdrawals.

I know someone who knows how having withdrawals really feels like. A big shoutout to DumbBitch! You. Joke. Table.

*****

One would think that conducting an interview would require the interviewer to have some respect and at least not look like a rod was shoved up his or her ass.

One would think wrong.

Especially when people with half a brain are in abundance in a country such as this. Can you feel the love?

Lucky I am one, when important things are concerned, does not let anyone ruin my mood or focus. I tried putting a smile on that godforsaken face and sometimes it proved too futile.

I did make more mistakes during this interview though. I wrote a little too much when asked to write a very very short review (I reviewed Britney's album; Circus), randomly pointed at sections in a magazine that may or may not interest me (but still managed to make it seem that I am fully interested and well versed in it all), dressed too formal, and distracted myself off and on because of another interview that another company asked me to go in for. I allowed myself to be enticed by the new interview. Curiousity almost killed my cat. HAHA! It is after all a much better offer than what 'this' gives.

Anyway, I should not be so critical as I am in desperation to secure an internship. I just want a good company where I will learn a lot and gain much experience. It annoys me at how much effort I put in to only be awarded with rejection.

Lets hope my interviewer does not decide to Google my name and read my blog. I need an intership offer .. no matter how shitty it will be.

-conRad-

Perfect Mix

2009-09-13T23:13:00.002+08:00

The most recent trip to PD was just what I needed.

Due to many foreseen circumstances, my uncle, his family, my sister and I were 1 day late for our trip to PD but it was the beginning of a very fruitful, fun and relaxing trip. Even the drive to PD was worth talking about because it was where I started to bond with my little cousin, Eleanor. She is as cute as a button and as smart as Einstein (exaggerate much?).

It takes her awhile to warm up to a person and so we got to talking as soon as I found something of mine which she liked. I took the opportunity to talk and talk and talk to her just to make her comfortable. We ended up playing those little, simple games that always amuses little children; from flattening a plastic bag to pretending to be sharks. She is just like another baby sister.

Another thing that made me happy was bonding with my aunt who is somewhat estranged from most of the family. She and I sat in the hotel's lobby just talking about life, the past, and the now, over a can of beer. I guess we both needed someone with a different perspective on things. I have always been fond of her and probably will always be. It was good to know that my feelings never changed despite everything that has been going on.

The group of people I went on holiday with are the people I happen to love the most. Almost every year, excluding my Godmother and her husband, we all would go somewhere near together, and I would end up having a good time. This trip was just like that, like how it was before, relaxing and fun.

To top things off, I enjoy talking to my uncle and his wife, my aunt. There is just something so relatable and our talks always help me in some way or another. Very valuable lessons just flow out from simple conversations. Our conversations are almost similar to my conversations with my Godmother.

When it comes to my Godmother, no words can describe how happy I am when she is around.

So you see, this trip just happened to be what the holiday-doctor ordered. A day or so without any stress, a night of drinks and laughter, a group of people that do not judge, the conversations that bond, and the place that provides both comfort and relaxation.

A cumulative mix of many different positive factors.

-conRad-

As It Will Always Be

2009-09-11T00:58:00.004+08:00

If you were in my shoes, maybe you could understand? .. It's so hot!

Like I have said many times before, I hate my childhood. Why talk about it all again?

Because Sonia and I had an interesting conversation yesterday and my dad's drunk-stories managed to resurface those memories.

I never really relied on anyone for anything, even as a child. I learned numerous times that I had only myself to rely on and no one else. Friends, family, bonds and blood only ran so deep.

My independence changed not too long ago and I let my guard down. Something which both Sonia and I agree on. WE let our guard down.

I believed that I could rely on others and not feel the pressure of having to bear all my woes alone. How fast I was proven wrong. Everything is still the same. I have myself and only myself.

I'm NOT ignoring the fact that people like Sonia, Michelle, Desiree, Denise, Debbi..just to name a few, are always there. They are always ever ready to help. But it boils down to me, I let my guard down so quickly on a fool's whim.

It will never change. I regret yearning to see the other side of the fence because all I got were thorns poking. To contradict, I am glad I saw the other side too. I am glad I learned something.

My head is always in clouds, fueling expectations with cotton-candied ideas.

I depend on me. As it should be. As it was before. As it will always be.

Breaking away and getting to a path I have known for so long is not as easy as I thought.

I understand if some disagree, but life's hurdles led me down this path. I believe that everyone should depend on themselves. Trust, reliance, understanding, empathy, .. all are hard to come by nowadays and only you can emulate these values best when it comes to yourself.

*Not depressed ya, just reflecting and throwing things out there.

*****

The party ended not too late. I forgot that tomorrow was a day of work.

Thank God!

I'm beat!

-conRad-

'Prize'

2009-09-06T16:45:00.005+08:00

It could have been worse.

Friday was the day I 'claim' my prize for getting chosen as the group that did best in the final assignment for the Basic Photography class. By best, my lecturer meant 'meh' by his standards. My 'prize' became less special when he started inviting his 3D Design students to tag along (most of which were from my Basic Photography class).

The prize? A visit to my lecturer's friend's (Eric) photography studio (Blink).

It started off badly. My lecturer was about an hour late and when he came, he asks me if I read his email which he replied to me sometime in the afternoon. Of course I would have not read it! I sent him the email two days back! I checked my inbox whenever I could and chose to reply about an hour or so before we leave! Seriously.

By the time he came, most of us wanted to go home and forget about the visit to the studio. It was already very late but my lecturer was adamant we leave at 5pm regardless of our plans and the traffic in town. Some prize.

I chose to ride in Su Li's (Emily) car with May Lyn. She was supposed to follow Loi's car from behind but she drove faster than a snail and slower than a tortoise. Great. We lost them. To top things off, she did not listen to me and took a wrong turn. We were then stuck in the jam. Awesome.

It took us about an hour or more to get to the studio from then on. The rest, being Loi, Hong, and Alan, had a good look at the studio and some of the artwork. They even partially witnessed a photo shoot. *Grumbles*

I, at that time, was looking out for signboards and directing us 3 to the right way. Su Li almost took 3 wrong turns and almost drove us back into the jam. The HORROR! She even passed by the studio and insisted we travel around the area to get back to the parking spot she missed! Insane much? Especially when one does not know the area!

Anyway, the studio was not how I expected it to look. It was messy and everything can easily be removed and shifted around. Nothing was permanent. Each wall could serve as a backdrop and in the next room, there were small sets. Every equipment was super expensive and everyone was scared to touch anything.

Eric explained to us about every inch of his studio and what it is like to be a photographer. Alan and I tried hard to fight off our sleepiness. My lecturer even realised that I was being very quiet. How am I to say that I was sleepy?

The world of photography seems exciting but it is safe to say that being a photographer will never cross my mind. Eric and his staff hardly ever leave the studio and spend hours editing their work. I know even in my chosen path it would be like that but I suppose it will be different than Eric's situation?

I looked at some of Eric's work (so many Asian stars), and watched his staff take shots of facial products for a magazine. I finally saw how reflectors, huge lamps, and dark boards are used to control the lighting. It made a lot of difference. That was cool.

At least the studio visit was not pointless even though so many things went wrong. I actually learned a lot and I was mesmerized by the photos taken by Eric. He happens to mostly do shoots for fashion magazines. Lucky him. I want to work for Anna Wintour. Haha!

Because we arrived so late, I had to cancel my plans to meet my gang at Kelana Jaya. it was just as well because the person I wanted to meet with bailed again.

All the negativity for that day was blown clear away the moment my Godmother walked into my house. Ever since then, I have been having an awesome time. I refuse to acknowledge the date that she goes home!

*Above were the photos that Alan and I submitted for our final assignment. The first 3 pics were taken by me and my favourite is the 2nd photo.

-conRad-

I Did Not Go

2009-09-02T23:59:00.004+08:00

Not in the best of moods.

Being home alone means being alone with my thoughts.

Not a good idea.

Today was the funeral. I am .. I do not really know what I feel really? The people I always visit when I am in Melaka are gone now. Every time I think back, I know I will not see their smiling faces, their constant need to feed me, their inquisitive questions on how am I doing, their cheekiness...

I miss them, the people who always make me feel welcomed, like their home will be my home.

I regret so much that I was not at the funeral. I did not see her one last time. A few months back does not count. I am the worst relative in existence.

Truth be told, I did not know if I wanted to go or not. I felt 50-50 about attending another funeral but I could not go even if I wanted to.

I wanted to.

I lost that chance. I sat in my home, regretting having to stay home. Feeling sad is an understatement. She had to go, she suffered enough. I will miss her. I cry knowing what she went through. I cry knowing I will not see her once I step into that house. I cry knowing I feel so useless grieving miles away from where I should have been.

This will forever be one of my regrets that I will have to live with. I did not go.

*****

And with all these emotions running wildly, I received very happy news. I cannot be happy for long. It does not feel right. I do not feel right.

*****

Only my parents can make the most important day of my life the worst day of my life. I have no slacks for my interview tomorrow!

Why? Why? Why?

My mum gave all of it, EVERYTHING to the dhobi! She knew about the interview, she told me she left a pair behind. Then she asks me if I am sure the rest could go for washing? What do you think my answer will be?

Apparently it is my fault. She got angry at me. Sure, why not? They should blame natural disasters on me too ..

I do not need this shit right now.

Hopefully I can charm my way through it without them ever noticing I am wearing khakis ...

Ugh! I could cry for another reason now.

-conRad-

Please God No More.

2009-08-31T18:04:00.003+08:00

All it takes is one phone call to change one's day.

Cupcakes and a close friend were the best that today had to offer, I cannot ask for better. Michelle and I were gladly making a mess, getting covered in flour, miss-measuring the ingredients,laughing at how odd it looked and marveling at our work because it tasted so good. Then, my mum called. She amongst us would be the saddest.

I lost yet another person in my life and I cannot say my goodbyes. I have to stay home, go on with my life whilst others get to 'pay their respects'. I want to go but the uncertainties of things hold me back. They have a lot to think about and plan. I'll stay home and dab at my own face.

I tried talking but I can't for now. I tried remembering things but that sets a flood free. It is like how I felt a few weeks back.

Please God, not anyone more.

-conRad-